FILM PITCH #2: Face of Death

(N/B: Anticipating a level of insta-success for his vision that would make The Saw franchise look like the home movies of Nicholas Parsons, Sparacus instantly set about making something bold and new, a ... Ben Chatham film pitch. Oh, right, because the previous one was a Doctor Who one. How did I not notice that? Readers will be interested to note Sparacus' bold use of canned audience laughter, a feature not often seen in major motion pictures)

OK, following my synopsis for a Doctor Who film, here is an idea for a Ben Chatham spin-off series movie. I've tried to combine elements of classic Who & Quatermass with some social comment on 21st century western society.


"FACE OF DEATH"


Ben Chatham is lying across his sofa in his silk dressing gown enjoying an early morning cup of Blue Ridge Columbian coffee. He is listening to Bowie's 'Heroes' album and waiting for Anselm to arrive from the airport. The latter has been away for several weeks in Germany attending a festival of Wagner operas and Ben is keen to see him again. He pours himself some more coffee and relaxes to the sound of Bowie's voice.

Meanwhile, in Gladstone Street Cambridge, the residents are waking up and Mrs Ablewhite emerges from number 22 to fetch the milk in. She is an elderly lady of 76 who in her younger years had been a minor actress. The years haven't been kind however and she heaves her aching body out of the back door, her skin haggard from a life of chain-smoking and disappointment. As she picks up the milk, a hand grabs hold of her. She shrieks as a man dressed in a long black gown and a gaudy clown mask lifts up a meat cleaver and whacks her on the head.

Hearing the shrieks, Mr Ablewhite, upstairs in bed, shouts down:
"Hey, are you alright Daphne?" He is a slim old silvery-haired former lecturer who had left his wife for Daphne when the latter was still easy on the eye. Before he can get out of bed however, the intruder enters the room and hacks him to death with the cleaver, making a mess on the sheets.

The door buzzer of Ben's apartment rings before Anselm enters. Ben leaps up and holds Anselm close:

"Its so good to see you. I've really missed you. Did you have a good flight?"Anselm kisses Ben:"It was ok. I'm rather tired though. One has missed you too Ben, here look what I've bought you."

Anselm takes out an exclusive bottle of Wurtenberg Schnapps and Ben smiles:
"We'll have that later. Bedroom first *winks*".

"Ben I'm really tired after the flight. I'd rather just relax here with you on the sofa for a while and watch a dvd or something."

Ben is irritated:"Oh come on. I haven't seen you for weeks."

However Amselm sits down and starts to pour a coffee.

"Are you seeing someone else or something? Well?"

Anselm looks up:
"Of course not. I'm just tired."

Ben frowns:
"Well I'm not happy about this Anselm. You go away for weeks to another country when you know I'm too busy to accompany you and then you return only to refuse to sleep with me. I feel that you arn't committed to this relationship."

Ben's dark eyes well up with tears and he storms out of the room.

As he does so however, the door buzzer goes again. The second visitor is Captain Jack Harkness, who sits himself down and helps himself to a cup of Ben's coffee without being asked. As Ben returns fully dressed, he stares up and grins:"Hiya Benji-boy. You look great as always."

Ben fixes him with an icy stare:
"I'm in no mood for frivolity. What is the problem?"

"Ben, I have a proposal for you, well two actually. Firstly Isobel has undergone a remarkable change over the last month. It seems that her alien physiology and psychology have adjusted to the zeitgeist of human society, at least partially. She no longer needs to live in the hub, so I'd like to bring her here."

Ben is irritated:
"I'd rather you didn't. This place is full already. It'd distract Craig."

"OK Ben, we can discuss that one later. The other matter concerns Operation Delta. We feel that there is scope to expand the organisation, have it deal nationally with matters of alien, occult or unusual phenomena deemed too peripheral to Torchwood's core work. We have discussed this with Corrine Shaw & Paul Faraday who like the idea. We want you to head the organisation and Kyle, Katie , Anselm & Craig to be involved."

Ben sips his coffee elegantly:"I'm not sure I like being fobbed off with peripheral matters."
However Anselm is more enthusiastic:"Ben this sounds intriguing. One would simply love to become more involved in all of this."

Jack grins:"Great *places hand on Anselm's knee & winks*.

Back in Gladstone Street, Jack Stubbs is leaving his house to travel to Fitzwilliam College where he works as a day porter. He goes round to the back shed to fetch his bike. As he does so, a figure emerges from the shed wearing a clown mask and knocks him to the ground. It then raises up a meat cleaver and decapitates Jack with eleven whacks............
.............. to be continued.

OK, here is part 2 of this sci-fi mystery folks:
"FACE OF DEATH" part 2

The next day, Ben is driving Craig to the Hub in Cardiff to pick up Isobel, whom he has reluctantly agreed can stay in his flat for a short while:
"I'm not happy about this at all Craig, however I realise that you are such a depressed and negative youth that having her around might pull you out of it."

Craig hunches his shoulders in a surly manner:
"Did you mean what you said about setting us up in our own flat?"

"Well yes, in the long term. However I want to be sure that you'll stay together. She is an alien after all."

Craig is annoyed:"I love Isobel. She is my light, my hope in this dark, cold world."

He switches on his Ipod and listens to 'My Chemical Romance'.

Arriving at the Hub, Ben is whisked immediately away by Jack to the briefing room:
"Ben we have a case for you. Its a local one in Cambridge."

Ianto gives Ben the full briefing, staring longingly at Ben's lips:
"There have been a spate of murders in Cambridge, five to be precise. All the victims lived in Gladstone Street and have had their heads hacked in or removed with a cleaver. This was yesterday morning."

Ben is puzzled:
"So? A job for the police surely."

"Not any more. DNA samples from under the fingernails of of one of the victims revealed major irregularities. Whoever the killer is, they are now only partially human and part..... well alien."
Ben frowns:"An alien infection of some kind possibly. Ok, I'll drive back immediately and initiate investigations."

Arriving back at his apartment later, Ben has stopped off at the police station to requisition their info on the case. He has contacted Katie and , pouring himself a brandy and a vodka for Katie, he sits down to brief her, together with Kyle, Anselm, Craig and Isobel.

"OK team, this is our first case as a branch of Operation Delta and we need to achieve a quick resolution. So far, the only connection between the victims is that they all lived in the same street and belonged to the same amateur theatrical society. Since they didn't live in adjacent houses, I deduce that the killer has some connection with or grudge against the society."

Katie sips on her drink:
"I agree. Obviously we need to check this group out. I presume all the victims were gay men?"

Anselm frowns:
"Just because one belongs to a theatrical society does not mean that you are by definition gay."

Katie casts him an icy stare. Ben continues:
"They were of varied ages and some were women. I fear that the killer is possessed by an alien infection. If this is the case, then we need to know how far this is contageous. I fear that the whole population is at risk of being transformed into homicidal cleaver-weilding monsters..................."

..................to be continued.

Anyway, here is part 3 of this dark tale folks:
"FACE OF DEATH": PART 3

The darkness has descended over Cambridge and a dank, musty fog lingers in the damp air. A cloaked figure stalks its way through the streets, casting shadows across the damp pavements. It stops outside a small terraced house in Roseberry Street and knocks on the front door. Inside the house, Clive Thistlewood emerges from his upstairs study and descends the stairs. Clive is a reformed alcoholic who has taken up amateur-theatrics as a way of taking his mind off getting plastered and punching policemen. He opens the door, however before he can say anything the figure, wearing a clown mask, thrusts a screwdriver into Clive's eyeball and uses its other hand to strike with a cleaver..........

Meanwhile, Ben, Katie and Kyle have arrived at 21 Villiers Gardens, a small former dancehall used by the theatrical society to rehearse. They are met by a middle-aged man with long, unkempt hair and a bow tie:
"You must be the people who rang. I'm Jeremy Hogeson. This is absolutely frightful! Someone is killing us all. They're after me!"

Ben tries to reassure him:
"Calm down sir. We are here to help. Try to relax."

"Obviously queer" Katie whispers to Kyle.Hogeson lets them all in and offers them a glass of wine. They are joined by two others who he introduces as Simon Sandringham, a 20 year old student and Emily Probst a 50 year old eccentric dressed in beads and a surfeit of makeup.

"Theres only four of us left now. Clive is supposed to be here but hasn't turned up."

Ben is concerned:
"I suspect he could be dead as well. The killer is targeting your group for some reason. Any idea why?"Hogeson shakes his head:
"None at all dear boy."Katie frowns:
"Are you sure one of you lot isn't doing it?"Hogeson erupts:
"Listen you underfed floozy, I am not in the habit of killing people and neither are Simon or Emily. Silly trout!"Katie is irritated:
"Well you're clearly a bit of a weirdo."Kyle intercedes:
"Could you tell us something about your group like?"

"It was founded ten years ago by Roger. Dear Roger. He wanted to bring traditional acting back to Cambridge, with true passion and flair, not this modern, restrained piffle."

"Or in other words he was an old ham who had time on his hands" Katie observes.

"Where is Roger now?" Ben asks.

"Oh he vanished dear boy. On a trip to see his elderly Aunt Lucy in Cardiff. Between you and me, I suspect he had debts."Ben frowns

Hmmm. I suspect something more serious. Come team, we must consult Ianto & Jack forthwith."

Meanwhile, in another part of town, two students are lounging on a bench by the Cam kissing. Alistair Rhys-Appleyard and Poppy Langham are both studying Philosophy at Kings College and are hoping to get married after Cambridge.

"I adore you my dear. You are more precious than a Rupert Brooke poem." Alistair comments. Suddenly, from out of the bushes, a cloaked figure emerges and buries a cleaver into Alistair's head. As Poppy screams she falls into the Cam...........
................... to be continued.

OK, here is part four of this autumnal film synopsis folks:
"FACE OF DEATH" part 4

Ben and Katie arrive at Cambridge's main hospital by car, having been contacted by the police about the latest incident. Poppy Langham had been dragged out of the Cam just in time by a homeless man who witnessed the attack. Ben outlines his fears to Katie:

"I have formulated a theory. I suspect that the killer is none other than this Roger person, the one who founded the amateur theatrical society and who vanished in Cardiff. I suspect that he was taken by the rift."Katie is puzzled:

"Hang on. I recall you discussing the rift with Jack a while back. He said that the rift returned some people but that they were institutionalised in an offshore centre."Ben frowns:
"This is true. But what if this guy wasn't returned as a screaming lunatic but as a psycotic killer who somehow seeks vengeance on his former associates? Anyway, enough of this speculation, lets interview this girl."

They enter the hospital and after a bit of banter with the nurses they are shown into Poppy's private room.

"Hello Poppy. My name is Ben Chatham and this is my associate Katie Ryan."Poppy looks up, dazed:
"Hello..... what happened.... where is Alistair?"Ben takes her hand:
"He's dead. He had his head smashed in with a cleaver. I want your version of events."
Poppy screams and starts crying:
"I...I remember a man... in a mask....he attacked...." She cries uncontrollably:
"Please try to control yourself. Is there anything else you recall about him?" Ben asks:
"His......his.... eyes... through the mask... his eyes were just black. Pure black....."

Poppy starts to cry again. He and Katie decide that Poppy has told them all she knows and leave.
"Where are we going now?"Katie asks.

"I'm phoning Jack and then we're off to visit the Torchwood institution for rift victims."
Meanwhile Craig and Isobel have been sent to interview Jeremy Hogeson again about Roger at the rehearsal room.He lets them in and they walk past rows of costumes, musty smelling things that date back to the 1950s:
"My my, how young you detective people are becoming. Can I offer you a glass of wine my dears?" Hogeson asks.

"No thanks" Craig replies. "Tell us about this Roger dude."

"Oh dear, dear Roger. His full name was Roger DeAnjou. He trained at RADA you know. Roger loved the theatre and had such a passion for expressionist styling."

"Was he a violent man Mr Hogeson?" Isobel asks.

"Roger? Violent? Of course not young woman. How dare you even suggest it. Little trollop!"

Craig glares at him:
"No need to go off on one. I'm like not leaning much from you. We're going"

Craig and Isobel leave, Craig feeling very depressed that the interview didn't go better.

Meanwhile, Kyle has been sent to interview Simon Sandringham in his student rooms in Kings College. Kyle is in awe of the nicely furnished student rooms and shelves full of books.
"You ain't half got a lot of books." Kyle remarks.

"Of course I have, I'm a student at Cambridge. Now what do you want? Oh and please remove your shoes, I don't want soil treading onto the carpet."

"*removing shoes*Can you tell me about this Roger geezer? Anything weird about him?"

"Geezer? Anyway, Roger was a lovely man. If you are suggesting that he could be behind these murders then you are very wrong. Now if thats all you want then please go. Your presence intimidates me."

"'Ang about mate. Don't be like that." Kyle exclaims. Simon is unimpressed:
"I don't have time to dally with your type."

There is a knock on Simon's door. He gets up and opens it to be confronted by a figure in a cloak wearing a clown mask. It lunges at him with a cleaver ,missing his head by an inch. Kyle leaps up to defend Simon and the figure raises the cleaver, aiming straight for Kyle's head.............
.............. to be continued.

Ok, here is the next part of this chilling film project folks:
"FACE OF DEATH" Part 5

The figure raises the cleaver high and lunges for Kyle’s head. Kyle just manages to duck out of the way in time as the cleaver comes down , hitting him only a glancing blow, and thuds into the side of a bookcase. The figure in the mask yanks it free however Kyle manages to grab a paperweight:
"Yeah you want some mate? Well check this!"

Kyle lobs the paperweight at the figure which just manages to duck out the way and runs out of the room. Kyle gives chase as it bounds across the neatly trimmed lawns of King’s College however he starts to feel dizzy. The glancing blow has caused mild concussion and Kyle collapses onto the grass.

Meanwhile, Ben has called a meeting of the rest of his team in his apartment with the intention of discussing recent events. He pours himself a glass of Rioja and the others help themselves to drinks and food from the spread Ben has laid on. Bowie’s ‘Ziggy Stardust: The Motion Picture’ concert DVD is showing on the high definition TV behind him:
"You know, a lack of appreciation of David Bowie is one of the greatest failings in the teenagers of today…" he muses, much to the annoyance of Craig who scowls.

"Anyway, enough of this *switching off TV* lets get down to the business of the case. Anselm, how was this Emily woman when you left her house?"

"Fine, she was retiring early for the night. One could see that she was a strange old lady who needs her sleep." Anselm replies.Ben moves on:
"Ok, now as I see things, the next step is to find out as much as we can about what happens to those who are taken by the rift. I’ve texted Jack and he’s agreed to a visit to their institution in the Bristol Channel for the victims of the rift. Katie, you can drive me there tonight, so go easy on the rioja."Craig looks up:
"Can me and Isobel come? She does after all have experience of Torchwood institutions" Craig asks.Ben frowns:

"Isobel only. I need you & Anselm to go round to see Hogeson again and probe him for more information."

A short while later, Ben & the girls are driving towards Wales, where Jack has laid on a boat to the Island.

"So Isobel, what was your stay in the Hub like?" Katie asks.

"I’d rather not think about that now. I’m just pleased to be out of there and adjusted to your world."

"Did you sleep with Jack at all or Ianto?" Katie continues:
"Er no. Why would I? I’m with Craig."

"Surely you want something a bit more mature than that sulky kid."Ben is irritated:
"Leave her alone Katie and concentrate on the road."Katie scowls while Ben offers Isobel his hand. She takes it and gently sings Michael Jackson’s ‘Ben’ to him.

Eventually they arrive at the queyside. Jack is waiting with a boat and they set sail. Arriving on the island, they are shown by Jack to a bleak, desolate asylum where Torchwood keeps those that the rift returns. The paint is crumbling from the walls and there are terrifying screams emanating from the rooms. A nurse shows Ben & the girls into a cell with the name ‘Jonah’ on the board by the door:
"Jonah is currently having a period of stability. However you will need to be quick as he screams incessantly for most of the day" she explains.Inside the cell they meet an obese and badly scarred man who gets up to greet them.

"Jonah, my name is Ben Chatham. I would like to explain a little about what happened to you when you were taken by the rift" Ben says. Jonah thinks for a while and then speaks:
"I woke up on a burning planet. A rescue ship saved me but I was left like this, deformed. There were many ships trying to escape from the planet. As we left that part of the galaxy we had to pass by a dark star. Some of us looked out of the windows…. It was terrible. Like a hand was reaching into my mind, tearing out my soul. All I could hear was screaming…. Screaming….."

"And was everyone affected the same way by this?" Ben asks.

"Oh no. For some, like me, the screaming never left them. Others became violent…. Murderous. Some died……"Suddenly Jonah began to shake and the nurse ushered them out before he began a long, piercing and unearthly scream.

In the corridor, Ben turned to the others:
"It is as I thought. This Roger guy was clearly affected in a different way by his experiences than the others. It turned him into a psychotic killer. In whats left of his twisted brain he clearly sees his old friends as enemies."As they are leaving the grim asylum, Katie notices one of the nameplates by a room.

"Ben, I think you ought to be aware of this." She points to the nameplate, which says:"ROGER".
"You have a Roger here?" Ben asks the nurse.

"Oh yes. Would you like to chat to him as well? He should be stable at the moment"

They open the door and Ben sees a middle-aged man , unscarred by burning.

"Are you the Roger who founded a theatrical society in Cambridge? Why aren’t you burned?"Roger looks up:
"Yes dear boy. Please come closer, it is a long time since I saw such a delicate, beautiful face. There is so little beauty here. Not all of us were scarred, some were rescued before the planet burned. Jeremy wasn’t burned either. Poor Jeremy. Looking into the dark star made him violent…terribly violent."

Ben is angry:
"What? Hogeson was with you? Also taken by the rift?"

"Yes he was, dear boy. Fortunately we were returned to this world very quickly. Not like poor Jonah down the corridor who took forty years to get home."

Ben is extremely agitated:
"Oh my God. Hogeson is the killer! And I’ve sent Craig and Anselm round there…………….."


…………….. To be continued.

Ok folks, here is the next part of this major Doctor Who related film synopsis:
FACE OF DEATH: part 6

Ben stares at Roger, horrified:
"Oh my God. I’ve sent Craig & Anselm to meet with a killer. But I don’t understand… he appeared apparently normal."

Roger puts his hand on Ben’s shoulder:
"He would do. The dark star affected people in different ways. A short stare into its terrifying depths could leave you in a state of constant screaming, as it did to Jonah down the corridor. However a more prolonged stare had a stranger, more sinister effect. Its as if the very DNA of the person were changed, indeed imbued with something alien. Jeremy could appear to be just like his old self and yet the changes would come. His eyes would change into black opals and a murderous rage come over him…."

Ben is angry:
"So why haven’t you alerted the people here to the threat posed by Hogeson and any others changed in this way and returned?"

"I have dear boy, but they wouldn’t listen."

Ben storms out of the room in a rage and corners Jack in the corridor:
"You damn fool Harkness! What kind of a pathetic operation are you running here? That man warned you of the dangers posed by Hogeson and others and you’ve just ignored it."

Jack scowls:
"Now hold on a damn minute. This is the first I’ve heard of this. The nurses and staff here are under instructions not to listen to the insane ramblings of the patients."

Ben points his finger at Jack’s face:
"If Craig or Anselm are in any way hurt as a result of your incompetence, I will use all of my influence to ensure that you are removed from your post."

Meanwhile, Kyle is escorting Simon Sandringham into Ben’s apartment:
"I still don’t see why the police can’t just guard me in my rooms. I don’t want to sleep in someone else’s abode" Simon complains.

"Its easier and safer all round like if you just kip ‘ere. Now shut your cakehole less you want a knuckle sandwich" Kyle replies tetchily.

As he enters the apartment, Kyle’s mobile rings. It is Ben calling from the island. He fills Kyle in on recent developments. Afterwards Kyle slams shut the phone:
"It seems that your mate Hogeson is the killer. I’ve gotta help Craig and Anselm like. You stay ‘ere."Simon frowns:
"Jeremy? Don’t be ridiculous." However Kyle shoots out of the apartment.

Craig and Anselm arrive at Hogeson’s rehearsal theatre and knock on the door. There is no answer . The door is ajar and Anselm gives it a push:
"It is open. Let us perchance to explore inside."

They walk in and begin to explore the dark, eerie former music hall. There is a musty smell in the air and shabby , moth-eaten costumes lying around.

Craig is uneasy:
"I don’t like this at all. I’ve gone all cold like. I want to get out."

Anselm is irritated:
"Please refrain from complaining. I agree that there is something very odd here."

They explore further and Craig notices something lying in the corner. Thinking it looks like an unusual costume he approaches only to reel back in horror at the sight of a woman’s decapitated body with blood still oozing out of the gaping neck arteries…..

In Wales, Jack is driving Ben & the girls from the dock when Ben spots a private airfield out the window.

"Stop the car!" he demands "We have no time to lose. My father paid for me to have flying lessons when I was a student. We’ll borrow one of those planes and get back quicker."

Leaping out of the car, Ben rushes up to the airfield, followed by the girls, before Jack can object. Katie is impressed:
"All of this has brought out a new side to you Ben. I’m impressed."

Ben’s new sense of determination fires him to rush up to an airplane and open the door. Isobel and Katie get in and Ben starts up the engine. As he does so, a man rushes out of a nearby building:
"Hey, what the hell…"Ben grins out of the cockpit window:
"I am only borrowing this. I’m Ben Chatham" before expertly taking off into the clouds.

At the theatre, Craig is being comforted by Anselm when a figure rushes into the room wearing a cloak and clown mask. It raises a cleaver and swings at Craig’s head, missing by only an inch. Anselm grabs at the figure’s arm and knocks the mask off its face. It is Hogeson, his features horribly distorted. His eyes are glowing jet black. He pulls free and raises the cleaver, aiming straight for Anselm’s smooth and high-cheekboned face…..…

……. To be continued

OK, here is the next part of this dark thriller folks:
FACE OF DEATH: Part 7

A crazed Hogeson raises the cleaver and aims for Anselm’s face. However the door bursts open and Kyle grabs Hogeson’s arm just in time. He slams it against the wall, knocking the cleaver free and punches Hogeson in the teeth. The latter is possessed by the strength of the insane and wrestles free, kneeing Kyle in the groin. He runs out , Kyle in hot pursuit, however he disappears into the night, giving Kyle the slip.

In the plane, way above the clouds, Ben is staring out the window at the blue sky .

"Aren’t those clouds down there beautiful? Its incredible how free flying makes you feel. Down below us are all the dull, dreary people busy at their mundane jobs and small soap-style lives" Ben muses. Katie frowns:
"Well I’m finding this seat uncomfortable. Hurry up and get us to Cambridge."

However Isobel smiles:
"Oh I think I know what Ben means Katie. We have risen above the corruption and routine of life on this world. Look out of the window at the fresh blue sky. Here is honesty and truth. I wish Craig was here."

Eventually the plane reaches Cambridge and Ben brings it down, making a skilled landing in a park by the river. Several police cars arrive, however Ben shows the armed police his new Operation Delta ID card and after a few disgruntled exchanges the police agree to drive them to the rehearsal theatre. Here they find Craig, Kyle & Anselm pondering recent events:
"Thank God you’re all ok. Where is Hogeson?" Ben asks.Anselm looks up:
"Kyle relieved him of his weapon and gave chase, however he escaped."

"Well done Kyle!"Kyle smiles:
"The **** kneed me in the bollocks like but I smacked him in the gob first."

Craig is sitting in the corner, pouring out his feelings into a poem. Ben glances over his shoulder:
We drift alone through kicks and punches
Battered by the bricks of life,
Down down we fall
Until we moulder in our graves

"Craig, please stop writing that morbid verse. Isobel is here!" Ben exclaims.Craig looks up and then moves over to Isobel and they embrace.

Later they return to Ben’s apartment to plan their next course of action:
"OK, it is unlikely that Hogeson will return to the theatre now he knows we are on to him. Which means that he is prowling around Cambridge at large. From what Kyle has said, I suspect that the psychotic part of his personality is now in full control. We must literally hunt him down before he kills again. Any ideas?"

Anselm looks up:
"One presumes that he will be looking for Simon here, the last of his theatre group left. Shall we forthwith furnish him as bait?"Ben frowns:
"Too risky. Simon stays here."

Katie pours herself another vodka:
"Just let the police deal with it for Christ’s sake."

However Kyle has a different view:
"Apart from his theatre mates like, he has done in a student by the river. Why don’t we check out the riverside paths in case he returns there like ."

Katie tuts:
"Bloody stupid idea!"

However Ben disagrees:
"Well in the absence of any other ideas, I suggest we follow Kyle’s proposal."

Meanwhile, by the side of the Cam, two students, Clive Motram & Nick Weatherby are walking arm in arm:
"This evening air is so enchanting. We’ll find a place to sit and enjoy the strawberries & cream that I’ve brought with us" Clive says:Suddenly Hogeson leaps out of the bushes and pulls out a knife, plunging it into Clive’s neck……………
.……………to be continued.


Anyway folks, here is the next part of this film pitch:
FACE OF DEATH: Part 8

Ben, Kyle and Katie have set out to search the riverside, leaving Craig, Isobel and Anselm at the apartment with Simon Sandringham. It is quiet by the Cam, apart from odd throngs of students and bearded down & outs sipping meths on benches. Ben and Kyle are chatting:
"So, how is your mum doing with he rehab programme?" Ben asks.

"Its goin’ well like. She’s been clean for over six months."

Ben stares at Kyle’s attractive features and feels a pang of sympathy for the tough life that he has had:
"You know you are far too pretty-faced to be a chavboy. I sometimes wonder if you weren’t swapped at birth" Ben says jokingly. He and Katie laugh.

Suddenly Kyle spots something in the undergrowth:
"Ere Ben, over there…"Running over he is shocked to see a mutilated corpse. It has been disembowelled and horribly disfigured. Ben rushes over and as he does so his foot sinks into something soft. It is another disembowelled corpse.

"What the hell? Looks like you were right Kyle, this is Hogeson’s work. Damn, its gone all inside my shoe…. Disgusting."Ben is extremely shocked and upset and Kyle comforts him.

"I think I’m going to be sick. These shoes cost over £600 as well."

Back at the apartment, Craig is getting bored:
"I don’t see why we have to like just sit here. Its depressing. I’m like so fed up. Why can’t we go to the river and help?"

"Ben told you to stay here so accept it. One does not want to listen to your sulky rambling all evening" Anselm replies, putting on Ben’s DVD of Fritz Lang’s "Metropolis".

"We can watch a film."

Craig is unimpressed:
"I don’t want to watch this I want to help Ben and Kyle."

Anselm is annoyed:
"Shut up. You can always furnish yourself with a bath if you prefer and wash off some of that awful gothic makeup."

Isobel steps in:
"Excuse me Anselm. Craig chooses to express himself through his appearance. That is his choice to make."

Simon Sandringham looks up:
"Well I agree with Anselm. Such foolish teenage fads are common in state school pupils and are part of the reason that they underachieve."

Craig has had enough and stands up:
"Well you watch this ****e then but me and Isobel are like going to help Ben. And you can’t stop us!"Craig and Isobel get up and leave, Anselm feeling annoyed and perturbed.

Back at the riverside, Ben , Kyle and Katie have reported the bodies and are searching further up the river:
"He won’t still be here and this is pointless" Katie exclaims.Suddenly Ben sees a cloaked figure in front on them:

"I think you’ve just spoken too soon" Ben exclaims.The figure turns around and stares. It is Hogeson without the mask, his eyes black and unearthly, his mouth twisted in a strange sneer.Hogeson runs at them, pulling a huge lump of wood from behind his back. Kyle leaps at him, trying to wrestle the wood from his hand, however Hogeson pulls free and swipes Kyle around the head, knocking him out. He then strikes Katie, sending her sprawling into the stinging nettles. Turning towards Ben, he drops the wood and pulls a knife from beneath his cloak. Slowly he closes in…………

.………..to be continued.



Anyway folks: here it is! The final part of this action-packed film pitch:
FACE OF DEATH: Part 9


Hogeson closes in on Ben, raising the knife.

"Now look Hogeson, you’re sick. You’ve been driven insane by looking into a dark star. Please put down the knife and let us help you. There is an offshore asylum where you can be confined."

Ben’s attempts at reasoning fail and Hogeson lunges at Ben with the knife, missing by a few inches. He raises the knife again and is about to lunge again at Ben’s eye when Isobel and Craig arrive. Craig is terrified, however Isobel sneaks up behind Hogeson and lifts the lump of wood that he dropped. She whacks Hogeson round the head with the wood and he staggers in a dazed stupor. As he does so, Kyle is reviving and he leaps up and delivers Hogeson a right hook which splatters his nose and sends him over the bank edge and into the Cam. He plunges through the water and does not resurface. Kyle jumps in and tries to retrieve him before it is too late however he cannot see anything in the murky depths.

Later, Ben, Kyle, Katie, Craig & Isobel are enjoying a drink and discussing the case with Captain Jack Harkness in the Mermaid Wine Bar.

"….. And so we recovered Hogeson’s corpse and it will give us vital information as to the effects of the rift and the dark star. Well done Ben and to all of you in Operation Delta" Jack says, raising a glass and stroking Ben’s leg under the table.

" Ere, do ya reckon there are others like who are out there affected the same way?" Kyle asks.

Katie tuts:
"Oh as if we wouldn’t know if there were crazed serial killers rampaging through our towns. Try to utilise your brain before speaking!" she exclaims.Ben offers them all a fox’s glacier mint and sips his absinthe, letting the two flavours merge and permeate his mind with mellow contentment:

"I’d like to thank Isobel and Kyle in particular for their work in this case. Operation Delta will no doubt face greater challenges in our struggle to defend the earth and its good to know that I can rely on my team" Ben says.

As he does so, Barry Tuck (played by Johnny Vegas) arrives to take the food order:
"Right, what grub do you ****ers want? Don’t bother with the quiche, it reeks like spew."

*canned audience laughter*

Ben is irritated:
"I understood from the manager that you no longer worked here Tuck!"

"Nah they took me back on pal. Shortstaffed. *notices Isobel* Hello love. Hows about you comin’ ome with me for a roll in the sack?"Isobel is alarmed and drops her silver coloured purse. She bends down to retrieve it:
"While yer down there love"

*canned audience laughter".

Kyle gets up and approaches Tuck:
"Just take the orders like an stop offendin’ my mates or I’ll deck ya."

Ben is impressed:
"He’s good isn’t he" he whispers to Jack.

"Gorgeous ass. I’ll have to invite him for a training day at the hub" Jack replies winking.

After an evening in the bar they order a couple of taxis and return to Ben’s flat for a nightcap. Ben is rather worse for wear and has become maudlin as often happens after mixing his drinks:
"…. all I’ve ever wanted is a sstaple ….stable relationship with mutal loyalty.. And what I get?" he is saying in the taxi.

"Aw come on Ben, you’ve got Anselm now. This is just the drink talkin" Kyle tries to reassure him.After stopping the taxi several times to allow young Craig to be sick out the door they arrive back at Ben’s apartment. The other taxi with the girls arrives and they all go up. Ben instinctively fumbles for his key and unlocks the door, entering the apartment. As he does so he is shocked to see………..

………………. Anselm and Simon Sandringham locked in a passionate embrace kissing on the sofa……….…

……………THE END.

FILM PITCH 1: New Dawn

(N/B: Sparacus' first efforts at working in the very different media of film. I'm sure all readers will marvel at the speed with which he realises the potential for inventive storytelling in the format..)


The mooted Doctor Who film: a proposed plot outline!

OK, with David Tennant keen to star in a Who film, it strikes me that this would be a great opportunity for the show to reach even more people, especially in the US, and enhance its credibility. However it needs to be done in the correct way, rather than as some lightweight run-of-the-mill sci fi movie . Here is my proposal for how it could be done.


DOCTOR WHO: "NEW DAWN"

The movie will be set mainly in the US, in California's Death Valley, both to evoke a sense of place & landscape and to appeal to a transatlantic audience. There will also be some scenes in the UK. The Doctor will be travelling with Donna Noble who has recovered her memory. She is a popular companion and needs to be brought back. Also the film needs a 'big name' to pull in the audience , so Jack Nicholson will be in the cast.

main characters:

The Doctor
Donna Noble +

Ben Chatham
Katie Ryan
Kyle Scott
Captain Jack Harkness+

Chuck - an ex-US soldier & Vietnam vet , now a spiritual seeker, in his 60s played by Jack Nicholson
David Leader - a 21 year old university dropout
Jade Serena - a 20 year old daughter of a leading US senator
Bill Wayne - the local gun-totin' police chief

a brief synopsis of the plot:

The TARDIS lands in death valley, California, as Donna had asked to see the US and the Doctor thought it would be an amusing jape to take her somewhere different than the predictable LA or New York. They survey the atmospheric landscape - Donna is unimpressed and the Doctor pokes impish fun at her.Suddenly a beaten car shoots across the landscape and stops before them:

"Hey man, get in quick. They're comin' for us", a paranoid looking young man shouts from the car. The Doctor hesitates so the car drives off. Suddenly, he & Donna see a strange swirling wind with strange lights within it. This encircles the car & it explodes and vanishes.

Convinced that something is seriously wrong, the Doctor & Donna head towards a distant wooden shack where they meet Chuck (Jack Nicholson), a Vietnam vet who has lived in death valley for 30 years. He offers them some soup and a joint and explains that the earth is sick, that world leaders are not in control of their own actions and that some unknown force is manipulating world events for unknown purposes. He explains that he discovered the truth long ago and decided to live alone in the valley as he feels that he himself is a threat to others as the unknown force has tried to control his own mind. Donna believes that Chuck is insane, however the Doctor is not so sure.

Jade appears from within Chuck's shack and claims that she has evidence that Chuck is correct. She says that she has just arrived in the valley having just travelled from Washington, where her father is a Senator. She claims that the President and entire establishment are controlled by a mind-warping force and that the force is designed to lead the human race into self-destruction and is controlled by aliens. She says that 'desruction day' is close.

Meanwhile the Doctor receives a call from Ben Chatham, who is at an archaeological dig at Cerne Abbas. He informs the Doctor that Russia has launched a nuclear attack on Poland and that its all on the radio news. He asks the Doctor for help as the US may be about to retaliate and World War III begin. He also tells him that a strange light is shooting out of the Cerne Abbas chalk figure and into space.The Doctor confirms to Chuck & Jade that he thinks they are right. Meanwhile David Leader arrives on a motorbike, pursued by a police car. He claims that the establishment are after him because he fire-bombed a warehouse ‘owned by alien shape-shifters’.

The police car stops and Bill, the police chief approaches, telling them to:
“Get the hell away from this nut”. When the Doctor protests, Bill says:
“Don’t give me any of that **** boy”.

However, Bill his shocked when his two policemen fade and change into reptilian aliens. They raise their weapons to execute David, however Donna throws some sand into their faces and everyone runs. As the reptilians pursue them, shooting a strange red light descends from the sky and engulfs them. The aliens vanish.Chuck explains that the earth is a living organism and that it is fighting back against the alien control force. He claims that he discovered the truth while wounded in Vietnam & being tended in a Buddhist monastery. He says that death valley is a centre for the benign earth energy.

In Cerne Abbas, Ben, Katie & Kyle are joined by Captain Jack. Having been briefed by the Doctor, he surmises that the alien mind-control machine is buried under the Cerne Abbas hill. As they examine the light, they are surrounded by aliens. They explain that they are Gantonians and that the aim is to capture earth for the Gantonian Empire. Once they have caused nuclear war on earth, they will invade and strip the planet of its resources. Ben tries to protest, but is restrained.Back in death valley, David and Jade walk away from the others trance-like and begin to kiss in the hot desert sun. Chuck explains that making love in the valley enhances the power of the earth’s energy and as David & Jade get heavy with each other, strange lights descend from the sky and a lilting music.

In Cerne Abbas, Ben jumps into the alien light and blocks it…… but is disintegrated.Breaking the light allows the earth energy to overcome the alien force. Beneith Cerne Abbas the alien machine stops and the Gantonians on earth are disintegrated. World leaders are freed from the mind grip.That evening, the Doctor , Donna & the others sit in death valley watching a massive light-show in the sky ‘the earth celebrating’ Chuck muses. There is no nuclear war and sanity is restored. Ben reappears in Cerne Abbas, having been saved my the earth’s force and he & his team celebrate.

The Case of the Twelve Gold Crosses (Incomplete)

(NOTE: This adventure was intended as a Sherlock Holmes crossover event and, as such, bears all the hallmarks of a story written by somebody who's seen half a film and think that they know everything there is to know about canonical Holmes as a result. Nevertheless, this was regarded quite well by Chatham standards - it is after all, mercifully short.)

PRELUDE“THE CASE OF THE TWELVE GOLD CROSSES”

The cold, dank fog hangs like a shroud over the cold streets of Victorian London, its narrow alleys eerily lit by flickering gaslights. The gloomy bricks of the dull houses echo with the hopes and dreams of the dead generations and pools of dank water lie in the filth-drenched gutters. In the corner of one such gloomy side-street stands a blue police box from another time. Inside, the Doctor is handing psychic paper to Ben and Kyle:
“… so I’ll be back in a weeks time, same place to pick you up. Should give you long enough to soak up the delights of Victorian London” the Doctor comments.
Ben smiles,“Thanks Doctor. I really need this break and meeting Sherlock Holmes is like a dream come true for me. We’ll use the psychic paper to pretend to be from the police.”
Kyle looks uncertain:“I’d still rather ‘ave gone to somewhere hot with beaches and stuff like.”
Ben frowns:“Oh come on Kyle, that sounds like you’d rather just go on holiday to Spain or something. This will be a real cultural break for you, a chance to see London as it was in the nineteenth century and to meet the finest English detective ever.”

They leave the TARDIS and walk through the dank, fog-drenched streets. Kyle stares at the shadowy buildings, dimly lit:
“This is really cold and damp innit. We could always run back to the TARDIS *sound of the TARDIS leaving* , or not *frowns*”
Ben grins:“Look Kyle, I’m sure that you’ll enjoy this more than you think. I know Anselm wishes he could have come with me , however he felt obliged to stay for his cousin’s wedding.”
As they walk through the dim side streets, they pass by a noisy tavern with women drunk on gin dancing on tables while rough men in battered hats with Victorian sideburns armwrestle each other. As they move on a woman approaches:
“Ere would you to gentlemen be wanting a girl to warm you up?”
The haggard looking woman lifts up her skirt to show her ‘wares’. Ben moves along quickly.
“That, Kyle, was one of the many prostitutes of this era. She probably has a low-paid job such as matchmaking and is topping up her income to pay the rent. It was from this social group that most of Jack the Ripper’s victims came from. This is living social history Kyle!”

Eventually they emerge onto a wider street with carriages passing by.
“And this is Baker Street! Come Kyle, this is the house we want.”
Ben rings the ornate Victorian doorbell and waits as the door slowly opens. A middle aged ‘motherly’ woman stands before them:
“Ah, you must be Mrs Hudson. We’ve come to see Sherlock Holmes” Ben says, “we’re from the police” *shows her the psychic paper.*
“Oh come in gentlemen, you’ll catch your deaths in the cold. I’ll just show you upstairs.”
Mrs Hudson leads them upstairs by candlelight and the sound of a violin being played badly echoes round the house. She bangs on a door:
“Mr Holmes, Mr Holmes, two gentlemen to see you.”
“Show them in then Mrs Hudson.”
The door opens and Ben sees a tall man with dark hair and a long chin in a dressing gown: the legendary Sherlock Holmes………….

.……………. To be continued

OK folks, here is the first part of this new adventure:

"The Case of the Twelve Gold Crosses" : PART ONE

Ben holds up the psychic paper:
"Hello Sir, my name is Ben Chatham and this is my... I mean Constable Scott. "
Holmes takes an elegant drag on his pipe:
"Hmmm Scotland Yard. Most interesting. I presume that they have found what may be a very old skeleton since they have sent a trained archaeologist round to see me."
Doctor Watson, sitting in the armchair in the corner lets out a gasp:"
By jove Holmes, how did you know that this fellow is an archaeologist?"
This thought echoed Ben's own:
"Why its elementary my dear Watson! Young Ben here has a speck of soil under his right index-fingernail. Since his general attire and demeanour are so refined and well groomed, I deduced that this could not be the result of carelessness or lifestyle. Therefore it must be his work. Since the work involves digging and he is a police Inspector, then he must be an archaeologist, since an Inspector would not involve himself in the general digging around bones, but would get his constable to do it."
Watson claps his hands:"Holmes you're a genius. *To Ben* Come in and sit by the fire."

Ben and Kyle sit in the elegant Victorian chairs by the coal fire. Watson offers them each a brandy and winks at Kyle.Holmes stands aloof, smoking his pipe:
"So what can we do for you?" Ben improvises:
"Er we are not actually on a case sir. I am preparing an article for the a new police periodical, to be called 'The Blue Lamp'. And I was wondering if I could take a small amount of your valuable time to conduct an interview with you for inclusion. I was hoping that you could rell us about some of your most difficult cases and how you solved them."
Holmes stays silent for a long time, looking out of the window into the foggy night. Then he springs to life:
"Of course! Ask away. Only it will have to wait, for a carriage has just drawn up outside."

Sure enough, there is a knock on the door and they hear Mrs Hudson showing someone in. Eventually the door opens and Mrs Hudson bustles in:
"Mr Oscar Wilde to see you, with a young lady."
"Show them in Mrs Hudson, show them in".
In walks the elegantly clad Oscar Wilde, wearing a long, fur-lined coat and waving an expensive walking cane. He is in a state of panic
My dear dear Sherlock, something terrible has happened. Something monstrous"
"Now Oscar, don't get excited. Come and sit by the fire and Watson will pour you an absinthe. And who is this most beautiful young lady?"
"This is my goddaughter, Lady Arabella Framcombe."
Holmes kisses her hand:"It is a delight to meet you."Oscar meanwhile has noticed Ben:
"And who is this? Sherlock it is most neglectful of you not to have warned me that you have such... charming company."
Ben introduces himself and Kyle. Oscar stares at him, spellbound and transfixed:
"I had no idea that the police employed such young Inspectors. There are few things more perfect than youth my dear boy. It is so tempting. And the only way to remove a temptation is to give in to it *strokes Ben's hair*"

Watson pours the drinks and Ben asks for an absinthe as he notices that it is a bottle of the finest kind. He is most impressed and nearly gives himself away:
"mmmm this is impeccable. You don't get absinthe this good in my century..... I mean in my club."
"You should join the Albermale Club", Oscar comments, "I would love to see more of you."
Meanwhile, Holmes is offering Lady Arabella a piece of lemon cake. She flashes her deep, dreamy eyes.
"Please. In your own time, tell us what this is all about." Holmes says.Lady Arabella elegantly nibbles a tiny piece of the cake and wipes a tear from her face.
"For the last twelve years, every birthday, I have recieved a gold cross in an envelope through the post. The envelopes are postmarked Eastbourne. There is no note and my family had no connections with that town. My mother and father were killed in India by a malaria outbreak twelve years ago just before the first cross arrived. I have been brought up in England by my nanny Mrs Holfstead, with Mr Wilde's support. "
Ben is intrigued:"Please get to the point. Where is this leading?" He asks.
"Well last night another package arrived. It is my 21st birthday today. It contained another cross... and something else."
She takes a box out of her elegant handbag. Oscar is shocked:"You brought the thing with us? In a handbag? A HANDBAG??"
"I'm sorry, but I thought that Mr Holmes would need to see it."She opens the box and slowly removes..... a severed hand, already green-tinged and putrefying. Everyone gasps.
"Seems we have a murder to investigate Constable Scott" Ben comments.Holmes frowns:
"Oh it is more than that. I suspect that what we have here is a threat so foul and so monstrous that the entire British Empire is in danger! Ben, Watson, Oscar; THE GAME'S AFOOT..........


...............to be continued

OK, here is the next part of this adventure folks:

The Case of the Twelve Gold Crosses: Part 2

Sherlock Holmes stairs intently at the assembled group as he ponders the situation:
"Lady Arabella, if it is not too stressful for you at this moment, I would like you to tell us a little more about the circumstances of your parents' death."
Lady Arabella takes an elegant sip of the tea that Mrs Hudson has just brought for her:
"Its alright Mr Holmes. There is not much that I can tell you. I was at boarding school here in England when I heard that mother and father had died of malaria out in India. My father was out there working for the Viceroy. His valet , a Mr Jeremiah Snape, brought the news to me. I remember he was most concerned, he kept asking if mother or father had sent me any letters recently and that if I recieved any I should give them straight to him."
"Didn't that strike you as rather odd of him?" Ben asks:
"I was too young and upset to notice. But in retrospect it did seem a strange thing for him to ask *dabs her eye*".
Ben is intrigued:"This Snape was clearly after something. Do you know what happened to him?"
Holmes intercedes:"I know of this Snape. He regularly frequents the opium den just off Soho Square. We must pay him a visit. One more thing: could you describe the crosses to me?"
Lady Arabella has begun to weep and Ben puts his hand on hers to comfort her:
"The....they are quite small. They have a hole at the bottom end which is odd, because it means that they would hang upside down."
Holmes leaps up:"Oscar, I would like your permission to let Lady Arabella stay here for a while, It'll be safer. Ben & Constable Scott will accompany Watson and I. We'll meet you at the Albermarle Club in an hour"
Oscar stirs from a little nap:"Certainly my dear boy."

The carriage moves through the fog-drenched streets towards Soho Square.
"By jove Holmes, I do worry about you knowing about these awful dens and their poor unfortunate clientele" Watson muses. Holmes smiles.Ben looks out of the window sadly:
"I somehow fear that opium will continue to destroy lives for many years to come." He thinks of Niki and realises that Kyle is thinking of his mum.

Arriving at the opium den, they walk in and Holmes asks the scruffy looking man collecting entrance fees if Snape is present. Ben, gazing inside at the sunken-faced Victorian addicts sucking at their opium pipes by candlelight, notices a man leaving by a back door.
"Come on Kyle: round the back!" He shouts and they run out into the alley. The man is running away, however Kyle rugby-tackles him to the ground and gets him in an armlock. Holmes and Watson run up as Ben questions the man:
"I presume you are Jeremiah Snape. Have you just sent Lady Arabella Framcombe a severed hand?"Snape shakes his head and mutters obscenities. Holmes gestures to Kyle to relax his hold:
"Look Snape we mean you no harm. I know that if you are involved in our business it is in a minor way. Now please let us take you for a civilised drink and a bit of supper where we can talk properly."
"Alright Mr Holmes."Ben is impressed by Holmes' subtle approach and command of the situation, which reminds him a little of the Doctor.

Arriving at the Albermarle Club, just off the Strand, they alight from the carriage and Snape follows Holmes towards the door. Suddenly a man with a beard approaches through the fog. He lifts up a gun and shoots Snape. He runs away, dropping a folded piece of paper. Ben and Kyle give chase however he loses them in the dark London backstreets. As they return, Watson is stepping up from inspecting Snape."He's dead Holmes." Holmes has unfolded the sheet of paper and shows it to Ben and Kyle. On the paper is drawn and coloured in a green hand.
Ben looks puzzled:"...And this means?"Holmes stares intently:
"This is the symbol of the Green Hand League. An anarchist group devoted to the cause of revolution"................

Vampire Planet

(NOTE: Sparacus returned to the helm of Chathamalia with this adventure, of which I have little to no recollection. In fact, I mightn't be the right person for running this site at all now I think about it. But, hey, I'm here and at least I'm honest enough to have dropped all that impartial commentator bollocks I started off doing. Have I implied how much I dislike these stories recently? Ahem. It should be noted that, despite the title, the story is not connected to the original proposed finale to Season 7, although it IS occassionally written as though it is set in the 70s.)


Vampire Planet
==============
Ok, here is a brief taster of the next Ben Chatham adventure folks.

VAMPIRE PLANET : Prelude

Through the vastness of space they move. Formed by intellects vastly superior to homo sapiens and focused with the certainty of a sleepwalker. As they reach the atmosphere of earth the objects slow for their final descent, homing in on their targets......

Ben is lying across the sofa in his dressing gown enjoying a cup of Blue Ridge columbian coffee and reading RJ Griffiths' definitive biography of Henry VI. As he reads, he occasionally looks up at Craig, who is sitting with his head resting on his knees and staring mournfully out of the window. Kyle enters the apartment with some shopping and approaches Craig:
"Ere I got that magazine you asked for. Hows about you help me unpack all this."
Craig stares out the window:
"It is of no concern. My life is frozen and pointless. I am alone."
He gets up and walks out and slams the door of his room.
"Aw he's still pining for Isobel Ben. Can't you ask Jack if he can visit her again like?"
Ben looks up:
"And what good do you think that will do? Use your head Kyle. The more time he spends with the girl the more he misses her later. Its best if he forgets her."
"But it ain't that simple, 'e loves her Ben."
Ben is irritated:
"And I'm worried about him too Kyle, however there is no point in pretending he can ever be with her all the time."

Ben turns on the tv to catch the news and is intrigued by the lead item:
".... and all over the world, reports are coming in of the strange metallic cylinders appearing in roads, gardens, fields. So far 14 have been reported in the UK and all are resisting all attempts to move or dislodge them. The M25 remains partly closed....."
"Hmm.... interesting" Ben muses. I think I'll ring Jack after all....

..... to be continued
Ok, here is the next instaulment folks:

VAMPIRE PLANET: Part 1

Ben and his team have met up with Jack in the Mermaid Wine Bar in order to be briefed on the situation.
"These things simply defy all analysis. Nothing in the Torchwood archive can scratch, dent or even move them. The substance from which they are made is unknown, Ianto can find nothing stored of a similar nature", Jack explains.
"And are there any inscriptions of any kind on them?" Katie asks,
"No nothing. They are completely smooth and apparently solid cylinders , all slightly over fifteen foot in height and four foot diameter."
Ben frowns:
"Its a pity that the Doctor is away at the moment, just when we need his expertese. Still, once we've eaten I'd lke to have a look at the M25 cylinder."
As he speaks a waiter arrives to take their orders (played by Johnny Vegas) and Ben and Katie are surprised to see that he looks like Friar Tuck , whom he encountered in a previous adventure.
"Right, what grub can I get you lot." *canned audience laughter*.
"Hey, you look like Friar Tuck", Katie exclaims, grinning,
"Er well, Tuck's me name. Barry Tuck. Now what do you want, noshwise?"
Anselm leans over to Ben:
"Wasn't Barry Tuck a tv presenter Ben?"
"Different spelling of Tuck "Ben replies, " *addressing waiter* Er I hardly think it is customary to refer to the food here as 'nosh'."
Tuck has moved behind Katie and is giving her breasts a feel:
"Mmmm lovely jugs these. No need to get shirty squire. Now what do you want? Don't bother with the lasagne, it tastes like ****e."
All of this is too much for Craig, who buries his head between his raised knees and thinks of Isobel.

Later, at the M25 site, Ben is still irritated:
"The standards of the Mermaid have really fallen. I'm sorry I took you there."
"Its ok, although I missed seeing that hot Pole with the ripe ass." Jack replies.
"Especially when they've replaced him with that foul mouthed lumox. The way he letched over Katie was grossly inappropriate."
"At least he showed me some attention Ben" Katie replies sharply.
Meanwhile, Kyle has approached the cylinder and is inspecting it, while chatting to Ianto Jones who is waiting for them.
"Ere it feels kinda warm, hot even, yet its a dead cold day."
"Yes, it seems to contain some kind of machinery but its impossible to tell as the outer shell is impossible to get through. We thought it was just residual heat from descending through the earth's atmosphere, however its stabilised at this temperature." Ianto replies.
As Kyle examines it, he notices that his hands feel numb after touching the cylinder , although the feeling returns after a few seconds:
"Itsas if its like sapping the energy outa me, but only ever so slightly" he says.
"Oh and why would any device do that" Katie exclaims
"Well it could be not working properly on full whack yet" he replies.

All at once a penetrating high-pitched scream emenates from the cylinder and the team cover their ears in agony.
"Get back to the cars......" Jack shouts desperately above the deafening din, like the sound of a million cats burning to death. As they run, Ben sees that Craig has collapsed near to the cylinder and lies motionless.
"Oh no, Craig!" Ben shouts.
Kyle and Ianto rush back and lift Craig to his feet, who steadies himself before rushing towards the others. However a bright light suddenly surrounds the cylinder, engulfing Kyle and Ianto who vanish into nothingness...........


................to be continued
VAMPIRE PLANET: Part 2

Kyle and Ianto find themselves in a large room , completely empty save for a raised platform at the end .The walls and floor seem to be metallic and give off a transluscent glow. Suddenly three figures appear on the raised platform, they are elegant, slim and humanoid with white skin and eyes that resemble those of a cat. They are clad in long flowing robes........


Ben, Captain Jack and the others surround the cylinder, which has returned to its normal state, save for a slight layer of yellow dust which covers it.
"Be careful Ben, that thing kills", Anselm says.
"We don't know that for sure. It could be a transmat devive of some kind. I don't accept that Kyle is dead." Ben replies.
Jack takes a sample of the yellow dust.
"Its times like this I kinda wish Tosh were still here. Still I know just the man to analyse this. Come on guys, we're off to Cardiff....."

Arriving in Wales, Jack and Craig are in one vehicle while Ben, Anselm and Katie follow in Ben's car. They follow Jack down a narrow country lane and stop at an old dilapidated farm house. A scruffy looking man with long hair and stubble and various items of spilt food on his shirt and jeans is poking around on his vegetable patch. He is smoking a massive spliff.
"Hi Jake, we kinda need your help again" Jack exclaims to him.
"Er, who is this person?" Ben asks.
"Hey man. Shakey Jake's the name," the man says, holding out his hand to Ben, "lets chill man."
Ben reluctantly shakes his hand, noticing that it is covered in soil. He is disgusted by the sight of the joint.
"I suggest that you put that thing out now!"
"Hey man, whats the problem?" Jake replies.

Jack pulls Ben to one side and whispers to him:
"Don't let his appearance fool ya. Behind that scabby exterior is one of the greatest scientific brains in the world. Just trust me on this."
"You'd never tell", Ben replies, "why does he live like this?"
"He turned on, tuned in and dropped out", Jack replies grinning. Ben is irritated:
"Or in other words he's bone idle and irresponsible."
Inside the house, which is full of second hand bric-a-brac, incense burners and moth-eaten jumpers, Jack explains the situation to Jake, who inspects the yellow powder in its plastic sample bag.
"Hmmm, this is way out man. I'd need to use some of your equipment to do a full analysis."
"What do you think those cylinders are for?" Katie asks him.
"Hey , its too early to say."
Katie whispers to Ben : "Obviously no use at all to us."
"This is heavy man. However I think I know what this residue is and suspect your friends are still alive, so theres hope" Jake says.
"Hope is just the refuge of the fool", Craig says mournfully.
Jake makes them all some organic tea, assisted by Craig who is intrigued by all the herbs in his kitchen.
"Hey, you sounded really uptight in there kid. Try some of this."
Jake offers Craig a piece of 'flapjack' and winks.

Arriving at the Hub, Gwen brings Isobel to greet Craig. The latter embraces her with all his strength:
"My love. I've missed you so much."
Isobel is crying, her beautiful eyes like precious jewels:
"I need you. I don't safe in this world without you" she stammers.
"I'll protect you for ever. Nothing else matters only you." Craig replies.
Katie whispers to Ben: "How wet!"
As Jake analyses the dust, the team are shocked to see the news reports coming through on Jack's plasma screen. All around the world beams of white light are emenating from the cylinders and shooting out into space.
Ben frowns:
"It seems that the cylinders have activated. But for what purpose......."

............. to be continued.
Ok, here is part 3 of this exciting adventure:

"VAMPIRE PLANET" : Part 3

Kyle and Ianto stare at the elegantly clad creatures before them:
"Who are you.... where are we?" Ianto asks abruptly.
"We are the Hax. You have been brought here for examination and analysis. Our extrapolators have already assimilated much data about your planet such as languages and cultural norms. Your civilisation is chaotic and of low value."
"What the hell do you want with earth?" Kyle angrily retorts.
"Our extrapolators will remove the energy from your primitive world and bring it here. This planet requires an outside source of energy, since our natural resources were depleted in the development of our superior civilisation. It is natural law that this should come from primitive worlds."

Ben stares at the plasma screen in the Hub as news reports appear on the BBC news of minor earthquakes in Asia as beams of light continue to shoot out from the cylinders. Shakey Jake looks up:
"This is one heavy situation man. If my theory is right, those things are reaching down into the earth's core and extracting pure energy ; light, heat.... If the data analysis on the Torchwood computer is right they are energy extractor devices."
"What about Kyle and Ianto?" Ben asks.
"Hey, well they're certainly not inside that thing, which is solid. I fear the worst man."
Ben is concerned and the tears well up:
"Kyle..... Look I have some knowledge of Geology, enough to recognise that if this continues then as the earth's core cools and expands there will be earthquakes, cracks, volcanoes and incomprehensible loss of life worldwide."
Isobel is extremely upset by this and buries her head in Craig's arms, sobbing uncontrollably.
"Craig babe, why don't you take Isobel through those doors into the Hub recreation area." Jack hints.
Craig leads Isobel out slowly. Ben takes the lead:
"OK, clearly our only hope is to destroy those cylinders. I suggest a full on simultaneous assault on all of them with all the force that can be mustered by the military forces of their host nations."
Jack frowns:
"It could be difficult diplomatically. One of them is in North Korea for example."
"Then we'll try and persuade Kim Jong Il or wharever his name is to see sense or get the US to threaten to nuke him otherwise. But we must act now!" Ben replies. Anselm gazes at Ben, struck with admiration for his firm stance.
"I'll contact UNIT and get them to set up videolink to all major world leaders. You can address them with the situation" Jack says.

While Jack sets up the videolink, Ben and Anselm join Craig and Isobel in the recreation room, where they enjoy a glass of wine and a game of chess.
"Ben, look theres something one needs to say to you" Anselm says : "Look I know we've had a few problems recently, but I want you to know that I still love you. Very much."
Ben gazes at Anselm's smooth, white neck and perfect, delicate eyes. Ben's own dreamy dark eyes fill with tears:
"Anselm, you are the most attractive boyfriend I have ever had. Your beauty is overwhelming at times."
They embrace.
Meanwhile Shakey Jake enters the recreation room from the Hub lab:
"It is as I thought man. Like wow, this dust is oxidised residue from molecular conversion interaction with nitrogen in the air. Such residue is produced by transmat devices. Groovy man. It suggests that Kyle and Ianto are still alive, but have been transported somewhere."
Ben breathes a sigh of relief.

When the videolink is ready, Ben addresses the world leaders. He calmly explains the situation and what needs to be done and then invites some questions. The President of Russia is rather offhand and dismissive, however Ben points out that the Cold War is over and that they are a minor nation now compared to the USA, Britain and China, all of whom have agreed with Ben's plan.
The plans are put in motion as they take another break, watching 'The Third Man' on DVD. Then they watch together as the bombs drop on the cylinders and the tanks open up fire. Slowly the dust and debris clear to reveal.............


................ to be continued
Ok folks, here is the delayed next part of this story. Hope you find it worth the wait:

VAMPIRE PLANET: Part 4

The dust and debris slowly clear to reveal..... the cylinders, still in place as they were. In the hub, Ben and Jack let out sighs of frustration:
"Ok Ben, so whats plan B?" Jack asks. Ben frowns:
"Clearly we need to conduct more considered tests on these things before proceeding. The material from which they are made is clearly strong enough to resist conventional weapon assaults, however there may be other weaknesses."
Jack leaps up:
"No time to lose then.". Jack and Shakey Jake grab together all manner of testing devices and they all head off for the nearest cylinder, which is on the outskirts of Cardiff.

Meanwhile, Kyle and Ianto have been stripped & strapped to tables by Hax scientists who are carrying out medical tests on them.
"Cellular degeneration is likely to be quite swift in these creatures, giving an average lifespan of less than a hundred years...." a Hax is pointing out.
"Very simple metabolism.." another muses.
"Yeah well, we still think and feel just like you" Kyle shouts angrily, "and why the hell do you want to rob the energy from our planet when there must be loads of planets with no life on 'em to choose or stars."
One of the Hax fixes him with its feline eyes:
"Our extrapolators can withstand much, but not the heat of a star. And they need a solid surface. We also find planets with nutritional potential of much greater use."
"So now you want to strip the vegetation as well?" an angry Ianto shouts.
"We need both nutrients and fuel. It became necessary for us to outsource the supply of these a long time ago , when out planet became one city. We devote ourselves to scientific study, knowledge and leisure."
"So you plan to just leave us to starve?" Kyle asks.
"That would be wasteful and inefficient. You will be examined and recorded. However all organic matter will be processed into essential nutrient produce to sustain the Hax populace."
Kyle and Ianto both realise the implication of this sentence and a chill goes through them......

Meanwhile, Ben and Shakey Jake are examining the cylinder near Cardiff with a variety of testing devices:
"Mmmm this is weird man. This thing seems to have a density of mass that is impossible, given the nature of molecular structure. Wow!" Jake mutters.
"So it is too dense to penetrate with material from earth? Even diamond?" Ben asks.
"Wouldn't even leave a scratch man."
How about waves? You know sound waves? Could they penetrate into it enough to affect the components and how they work?" Ben suggests. Jake is enthused:
"Yeah, you may be onto something there man. Yeah the vibes!"
Captain Jack Harkness grins:
"Yeah and I have just the device back at the hub......"

On the Hax planet, Kyle and Ianto have been thrown into a holding cell. Kyle is trying to find a wy out, but to no avail. He slumps down.
"I ain't gonna let these things take us off to be made into burgers like without a fight.."
Ianto gazes at him and feels a deep attraction . However he is unsure about Kyle and chooses not to say anything about this.

In Cardiff, Jack, Ben and the team are arriving back in the Hub when they hear a shocking news item on the plasma screen: the earthquakes have started. Two million feared dead in China .........

...........to be continued.
Ok, here is the next part folks:

Ben stares at the screen aghast and then turns to the others:
"Ok, there is clearly no time to lose. Those things are interfering with the earth's core to such an extent that the result is disaster."
Jack disappears into the archive then runs out with a metallic box in his hand:
"OK , lets see if this baby does the trick! Move guys!"
They all rush back to the vehicles and drive to the Cardiff cylinder. Shakey Jake attaches the metallic device to the side of the cylinder and presses a complex code into its strange keyboard.
"What exactly is that thing?" Ben asks.
"Hey man, we don't exactly know. It kinda was found in the wreck of an alien spacecraft in the Hebrides. What we do know is that is exhudes a kind of vibrational energy. Far out!"
They all stand back as the device starts to work. They hear nothing but collapse to the floor with dizzyness and nausea........

On the Hax planet, Kyle and Ianto are sitting in the holding cell chatting:
"So how long have you been working with Ben....?" Ianto is asking.
Kyle looks up:
"A few months or so now like. Its ... its hard to explain .... bein' part of all this has changed my life. Before I was .... things was bad ..."
Ianto gazes at Kyle's attractive features and slim frame:
"So are you with anyone at the moment? Love-wise I mean" he nervously asks.
"No I ain't... *smiling sadly* I was in love with a girl once a long time ago.... but really I ain't exactly gonna get much attention am I. Its good that Ben seems happy at the moment."
Ianto frowns:
"Oh never mind Ben, what about you? You seem very hard on yourself, and frankly for no good reason......."
As he speaks, the door flies open and two elegantly clad Hax enter the cell. One of them speaks.
"You are highly honoured. Our Grand Council Chairman wishes to examine and converse with you in person. He considers you a fascinating species of animal."

Back on earth, the high-pitched vibrations from the device have caused Ben, Jack and the team to pass out for a few seconds. As they come round, they see that there is no more light energy shooting up from the cylinder and the humming noise that it made has stopped. Ben grins:
"Excellent, it worked!"
"Its even better than we thought guys, look!" Jack says, holding up his mobile screen, which has news 24 on it. Reports are flooding in of all the cylinders appearing to have stopped:
"Looks like if one of these buddies is knocked out, they all go!"
They all laugh and embrace as a group, Ben holding Anselm, Jack embracing Katie and Shakey Jake muttering something about letting the sunshine in.

On the Hax planet, Kyle and Ianto are being led from the cell towards a transmat room. As they enter the room, they are met by another Hax, dressed in a golden robe:
"I will accompany the animals on their visit to the Chairman!" he commands.
The other Hax look puzzled:
"This is irregular, Counsillor Janex. We have recieved no instructions to this effect" the guard replies.
"Are you questioning a member of the Grand Council?" Janex barks.
"No... no Sir..."
"Then you will leave and I will accompany these creatures."
The others leave as Janex ushers Kyle and Ianto to oneside:
"We have little time. Look not all of us agree with what the Grand Council has been doing to other inhabited worlds. Hax culture is complex and varied and I assure you that the ideology of Imperial Speciesism is only one strand. We dissidents live in constant fear of death if exposed, yet have been growing and growing in placing. If you want your world to survive, you must do something for us."
"Like what?" Kyle asks,
Janex holds out a laser gun:
"Assassinate the Chairman......"


............ to be continued
OK, here is the much anticipated final part of this adventure folks:

"VAMPIRE PLANET: Conclusion

Janex holds out the gun as he asks Kyle to assassinate the Chairman. Kyle takes the weapon and stuffs it into his jacket pocket as they enter the Great Hall of the Hax Grand Council. The Council Members are taking their seats on white, horizontal monoliths while seated on a raised platform is the Chairman. He stares at Kyle and Ianto through the thin slits of his feline eyes:
"So you are the humans. Your physical appearance is not quite as unpleasant to my eyes in person as on the screen, which is unusual. It seems that you are a more resourceful species of animal than we anticipated. There seems to be a problem with our energy extraction programme."
Kyle grins *To Ianto* "Looks like Ben & Torchwood 'ave been able to come up with summat."
*To The Chairman*, "Look mate, one thing I can promise is that the human race will never just give in. You don't know what you're dealing with."
The Hax Chairman looks bemused:
"We are dealing with an inferior species. Dispensible animals that it is our right to utilise. It is the law of the universe that the advanced, the developed and the cultured must subjugate the primitive, utilise the by-products and dispose of the waste. However a full record of your species will be catalogued."
Ianto tries to reason with him:
"But why not work with other species? There must be uninhabited worlds that you can settle on or something instead of stealing energy and turning intelligent creatures into food."
The Chairman stares:
"There are no intelligent creatures other than Hax, merely animals."


As he says this, Kyle leaps forward and points the gun at the Chairman's head, grabbing his arm and twisting it behind him:
"Ok, now you'd better remove your cylinder things from earth right now, or your leader gets blasted!"
The Chairman hisses:
"Primitive violent animals! I see it was a mistake to keep you alive."
"Yeah well I think its pretty violent plannin' to turn us into food myself" Kyle retorts.
"I see you have recieved help in this. Janex I presume. *addressing Janex* Oh yes, we have been watching you for some time. Your execution will be swift and efficient."
Hax guards move to grab Janex, however he pulls another laser gun from beneith his cloak and shoots one of them. Pandemonium then breaks out as Janex and his allies in the conspiracy start a shoot-out with the guards. Kyle pushes the Chairman to the ground to avoid the laser bolts:
"Now I'll ask you again, how do you get them things off of earth?" he asks,
"Only I can initiate their removal and only I know the code. But then I think you suspected this might be the case, which is why you are protecting me."
"Dead right" Kyle replies. "Now do it!"
The Chairman gestures towards a pocket in his cloak and Kyle reaches in and pulls out a small triangular device with buttons, rather like a mobile phone. The Chairman punches a code into it.
"It is done. The extrapolators are gone."

On earth, the cylinders fade and evaporate in an instant, leaving nothing. Ben and the team, who are still at the Cardiff cylinder site stare in wonder.
"Like far out man!" Shakey Jake exclaims.
On the Hax planet, the fight is over, with the Janex faction having won. The Chairman is led away to a detention cell. Kyle and Ianto fade and rematerialise on earth, near the same spot that they left.
"Ere, how ave we got back?" Kyle asks.
"Delayed transmatogoric reversal." Ianto replies. "As the extrapolators were destroyed it created a sub-atomising vortex effect , reversing the previous transmat procedues. All the energy will have been returned as well."
Kyle grins:
"I ain't gonna even try understanding any of that, but it sounds good to me. We got it sorted!"
Ianto wants to reach out and hug Kyle kissing him passionately, however he holds back. He just smiles.

Later, Kyle and Ianto are reunited with Ben and the team and are discussing recent events in the Mermaid Wine Bar:
"So is that the end of the threat from the Hax?" Katie ponders out loud.
"I very much doubt it, from what Kyle and Ianto have told us" Ben replies, "that Janex was prepared for Kyle to shoot the Chairman so that his faction could seize power, knowing full well that only the Chairman knew the code to destroy those cylinders and abort the energy transfer. Hardly suggests that they were thinking of us in their power struggle."
"Well at least they'll think twice about taking us on again for a bit" Jack chips in.
As he speaks, Barry Tuck approaches with a pad & pen:
"Right, what the **** do you want to drink?" *canned audience laughter*.
"Er I think we'd rather you didn't swear" Ben replies.
"Look squire, if yer want serving then get off your high horse or I'll shove this fist in yer gob. Now what the **** do you want *notices Katie* Hey you alright love, they're a great pair of jugs, I'd love another grope o' them."
Anselm turns to Ben:
"This is intolerable Ben. I abhore foul language"
Ben stands up:
"We'll have two absinthes, three beers, a glass of white wine for the lady and no more threats or foul language please Tuck or I will be speaking to the manager!"
Tuck walks off with the order, giving Ben the finger.

"Looks like we'll be finding another wine bar for our next meeting" Ben muses when the drinks arrive. "Anyway, for the moment I propose a toast to Kyle and Ianto for saving the earth from the Hax. To Kyle and Ianto."
They all raise their glasses to Kyle and Ianto, as Ianto gazes lovingly at Kyle. Inside he feels a passionate longing that he has never felt before, not even for Jack. However he says nothing.

.......... the end. However Ben Chatham will return in:



THE CASE OF THE TWELVE GOLD CROSSES

Craig Chatham Adventures: Episode 1

(N/B: I'm not actually sure what this is or what it has to do with anything, but LBC apparently wrote it and I saved it on my harddrive. Why not read it and tell me if it's any good?)

The Craig Chatham Adventures: Episode 1 The Dogs Of Doomsday

When you've battled menaces from the nastier corners of the cosmos and helped save the world sometimes the comedown of going back to normal life can be a real bitch that not even the giddy thrills of double chemistry at a new sixth form college can ease.

Such where the musings from the mind of Craig Chatham as he slumped in a depressive haze against his locker. Beside him stood his unearthly girlfriend Isobel; dressed in a short vintage tartan dress, boots, knee socks and a white head band; doing all she could to perk him up a bit.
"Hey Craig, don't be so hard on your uncle. He just wants you to have the advantages of education and the life of a normal teenager."

Craig brushed Isobel off in a surely manner barely bothering to look at her.

"Leave me alone with my thoughts Isobel. What meaning do love and companionship have without a healthy counter-balance of solitude?"

Isobel reeled in the confusing mess of emotional contradictions that so often permeates young love, was she hurt by Craig's reaction or pulled deeper in love by his philosophical and brooding nature?

However the solitude Craig craved was to be quite temporary, another student with a carefully sculpted asymmetrical fringe and a hoodie decorated by garish primary colours clocked Craig's Smiths T-shirt and approached him. The lads words come bounding out like over-excited puppy dogs.

"Aww, The Smiths are PROPER nang! They have some tunes and a half!"

Craig flashed him a look of moderate contempt.

"Nice to see someone around this ****hole with decent taste in music. Hey, some of my mates are planning a BARE party this weekend. Gonna be spinning some indie, electro, grime, bit of dub-step maybe, you up for it mate?"

"Can't you see I'm reading? Enjoying a language I'm not altogether sure you're speaking.. English," snapped Craig.

Isobel interjected with a beaming smile, "oh don't mind him, my Craig has a lot on his mind right now. What’s your name? I love your hoodie! It's so colourful... wow. I'm Isobel."

"Oh ALLOW that! My names Marz, but a paragon of peng like yourself can call me Marz the Magnificent," he replied kissing Isobel's hand with an ironic theatricality.

Before Craig could verbalise his displeasure an ominous circle of young lads dressed in sportswear surrounded himself Isobel and Marz.

The ringleader approached Marz aggressively pressing himself inches away from his face so his words drenched him in spittle, "what you dressing like that for? Are you one of those gothics or just a bender?"

"Gothics?! HELLO, do I look like I fell though a time loop from the early eighties?"

This earned him a firm punch in the gut.

"Stop that. Violence displays a lack of civility," said a disapproving Craig.

"What the **** you chattin'? You giving me cheek?"

A pair of the gang stalked menacingly around Isobel.

"Oi Oi, check this bit of cooch out! You're off the hook darlin'"

With that he pulled a startled and terrified Isobel to him and forced a brutish wet kiss on her that stank of cigarettes. All of a sudden Isobel's mouth flashed with fire, a bolt whizzed outwards sending the lad unceremoniously flying across the corridor. The rest soon followed, fleeing in fear and bemusement.

"You ok Iz?"

Isobel wept, "Oh Craig, I don't need to tell you what just happened! Is the wicked independent Black Swan consciousness that resides in me starting to re-establish itself? I can't bear the thought of the damage it could cause if unleashed, and after what those brutes saw it can't be long before people find out I'm not of this world. I'll be taken to a lab and dissected! Oh alas!"
Craig held her comfortingly, "Don't worry, who's going to listen to some lowlife chav going on about fire coming out of people's mouths? It's not like anyone else saw..."

Marz ran over slightly out of breath, "that was EPIC, the fire thing? That was TOTALLY nu-rave!"

"oh dear," sighed Craig.

"Listen up," said Marz putting his arms around both his new friends’ shoulders, "I dunno what drama you two have going on here, I don't even want to know. But in return for keeping it zipped, I want you two to call into Dr Marz’s parryyaayy practice and let me prescribe you some fun to take your mind off stuff.”

"Oh Marz," said Isobel smiling though her tears, "the way you talk is awfully peculiar, but I think you're lovely, oh Craig lets!"

Craig groaned.

Meanwhile in the science lab the gang of lads were reporting what they'd seen to a man thought of among the student body as the somewhat stern and creepy but ultimately unremarkable chemistry tutor Dr Sebastian Sinister.

"I'm telling you master this fit bird had fire coming out of her mouth and ****!"

"Silence my dog. I created you to spark havoc and discord, not to speak. The girl is no stranger to me. She is both my opposite in light and my equal in darkness. Violence, muggings, anti-social behaviour.. so small and insignificant but the only damage my creations can do without exposing themselves. But with The Black Swan as my charge I will no longer have to remain hidden away like a miserable human worm. BRING ME THE GIRL!"

Craig and Isobel approached an abandoned warehouse, the venue for Marz’s party.. Isobel’s bright curiosity jarred horribly again her surly beau, who she was practically dragging along with her.

“I don’t know how you managed to talk me into this Isobel,” snarled Craig.

“Oh lighten up sweetheart; I really think having a little fun will be good for you. Plus I’m curious about the recreational activities of humans. I still have such a lot to learn Craig!”

“I find it quite absurd that any intelligent and refined person could have the slightest interest in the puerile hedonism of young people today.”

“But, Craig you’re young yourself! I know this must all seem dull compare to your work with Operation Delta but surely there’s beauty and adventure to be found in anything if you look hard enough?”

“You just don’t understand!” snapped Craig before storming off, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes.

Before Isobel could chase after him, she bumped into Marz and a black girl in a small sparkly top, leather trousers and some subtle bling.

Marz enthusiastically embraced Isobel, “IIIIZZZZZZZZ, aw so glad you could come! Tonight is gonna be SO MASH UP! Do you want some MDMA? THE MILKY BARS ARE ON ME!”
The girl elbowed Marz in the ribs, “Oi! Just cos you have to take drugs to have a laugh, doesn’t mean everyone has to,”

The girl confidently took Isobel’s hand, “hey my names Sally, don’t mind him! I’ve not seen you out before, your dress is gorgeous! You have such a unique look. You’ll have to take me shopping some time.”

Isobel glowed and blushed a little and linked arms with Sally, “I like you Sally.. wow.”

The two entered the rave chatting happily. Isobel felt a new freedom and energy as she danced and drank shots with her new friend, her mind ringing with the alien sensations of the blaring strobes and frantic rhythms.

“Wow, all the colours, so pretty. I feel so alive!” she gushed as she danced like a free spirit.

Those very same lights and beats had the opposite effect on Craig who slumped in the corner avoiding eye contacting with the dancing throng. He was snapped into alertness when he saw Sebastian’s thugs moving toward Isobel and Sally with intent, aggressively shunting though the crowd. Craig charged at the gang using some of the Venuisan aikido Ben had began teaching him, but he was soon overwhelmed by weight of numbers. As a thug attempted to grasp Isobel, Sally precisely and powerfully kicked him in the head sending him reeling backwards.

”What do you think you’re doing? You wankers!”

Another thug grabbed Sally from behind and held her in place while his cohort smashed a beer bottle.

”Gonna ****ing cut you up you little slag!”

Seeing her friend about to be harmed filled Isobel with an empathic urge to protect her and before she knew it rings of white flame begin to form around her clenched fists and in a few graceful and powerful movements she sent balls of energy toward the thugs who scurried for cover once more.

An oblivious Marz who had been outside smoking during the fight returned to the sight of the crowd gawping at Isobel with open mouths.

“Man, I knew we had an epic lightshow planned tonight but..”

Sally wrapped her coat around Isobel’s shoulders and began ushering her toward the exit.

“What the hell are you lot looking at like a bunch of slack jawed yokels! Give her some room!”

“Where on earth did you learn combat skills like that?” Craig asked Sally.

“Well, with all the creeps around these days a girl has to take care of herself..”

The crowd jumped out of Isobel’s way in terror as she passed. “Freak!” one voice muttered.

The thugs returned to Sebastian’s lair. Their failure had angered Sebastian enough, but when he saw they had dragged a member of the gang suffering from a head cut after Sally’s kick to safety and bandaged his head..

“HOW DARE YOU? Compassion is a perversion of nature. You should have left him. Only the strong deserve to appear before me.”

“Steady on!” said one lad, “look he’s our mate, I didn’t do no harm.”

Sebastian struck the dissenting thug, sending him spiraling to the earth with a sickening thud.

“Since brute force has failed. I must ensnare The Black Swan via more…subtle methods.”

Sebastian began to shape shift, his features soon crackling into the shape of what appeared to be a mix of a male model and Adonis himself. He looked at his unbelieving charges and laughed a dark and wicked laugh…

LBC's Season 5 Pitch (Incomplete)

(NOTE: Deliberately following in the footsteps of Spara, LBC decided to take his inability to plot a poorly-written story as a sign that he should write synopses for an entire season. Unfortunately LBC lacked the tenacity and blind confidence in hackneyed twaddle to carry this plan through and was also overwhelmed by fierce hatred by EVERYONE in the course of writing this pitch. It is also notable for re-introducing Steven Moffat's Sally Sparrow character, thus allowing a myriad of awful things to happen to her.)


Season Five Pitch
=================
Here are the story ideas I would present to the "powers that be" if asked to contribute to writing and producing a series that could save Doctor Who. I plan to use Sally Sparrow, as well as Ben Chatham (who would be introduced to the TV audience in one of the 2009 specials) as companions (best male/female TARDIS duo since Jamie and Zoe?) and for the series to build to a shocking conclusion, featuring a returning character and the most dangerous villain in the history of Who.

Here is the first episodes story outline..


The Bachelor of Bullets

Ben is doing some extra work, guest lecturing an archeology night class at a prestigious London college. Coincidentally Sally, looking to expand her intellectual horizons is taking the very course Ben is teaching. Soon however it becomes clear that Sally has an ulterior motive. She points out to Ben a number of anachronistic artifacts, being found at local sites under the college's jurisdiction. She has fallen in with a group of left wing hippie type protesters, who suspect the artifacts are somehow being planted by the college authorities to gain more funding. Sally however, explains to Ben she fears an alien agenda. Ben is stunned to find Sally knows of The Doctor and has been conducting research on this matter for quite some time on her own.

Ben disproves of Sally's involvement in left wing subversion and is suspicious of how much she knows about The Doctor and alien life. He tries to shop her in to both UNIT and the college authorities. However this causes Sally to react rashly going with her hippie friends to the dig site alone, where they find a mysterious tunnel leading to a giant capsule. The presence of the protesters causes the capsule to open, and a race of heavily armed aliens called The Magikrunk to emerge (partially plant like bipedal creatures in tattered military gear) they spray the protesters with bullets that instantly fill their bodies with acid. The hippies all die a agonising death, blood and puss oozing form their skin. Sally is next to die when...

The Doctor appears! Tipped off by Ben, he appears in the TARDIS to rescue Sally, who is startled to see him again. The Doctor manages to spark a dialogue with the Magikrunk, who explain to him that they are time commandos from another world who know that in this time and location, historical anachronisms began to appear that lead to a cataclysmic event for all of creation. The Doctor warns them to leave Earth or he will stop them, suddenly one of the Magikrunk informs his comrades about The Doctor. They shriek in fear and leave Earth immediately. The Doctor is frustrated as he wanted to inquire further about the anachronisms.

Upon seeing Ben inside the TARDIS, Sally slaps him across the face for informing on her, only to be told by The Doctor, "he saved your life, you silly little girl!". Realising the truth, Sally is grateful toward Ben, her pulse begins to race as she is struck by attraction for him. These thoughts are broken off by a phone call from Larry, who wants to know when she's coming home. The Doctor offers her a chance to travel on the TARDIS for a bit, and assures her she will be back home in less than an hour to return to Larry. She happily agrees.

NEXT TIME- ON THE ROAD (TO OBLIVION). The Doctor, Ben and Sally met legendary writer Jack Kerouac in turbulent 1950's America!



On The Road (To Oblivion)

The Doctor asks Sally where she would like to go for her first trip and she suggests going to meet legendary "beat" writer Jack Kerouac (of whom she is a major fan).

The TARDIS materialises blocking the path of Jack and his muse Neal Cassady; who are in the midst of their legendary hedonism fulled hitch hike across America that would form the basis of the seminal novel On The Road. The TARDIS crew pose as hitchhikers, and are taken in by the men who are both "out of it" and therefore assumed the TARDIS to be a drug induced hallucination. At first Ben is weary and slightly disgusted by Jack and Neal's coarse and hedonistic ways. The Doctor impresses Jack and Neal with his fast talking banterous manner; they decide he is a "real out there cat". Jack however is more interested in Sally to whom he feels an instant attraction.

Neal tells a story about the two friends finding a disembodied family of hobos, and a local legend about the "desert dust of death". Ben snorts, dismisses the story as more "druggie babble" and demands The Doctor take him home soon.

Jack takes Sally out to see the sunset, on the majestic planes of the American countryside, while he recites a poem he has written in her honour. Sally is touched, yet it soon becomes obvious he is too drunk to function. He vomits all over her and drools and babbles pathetically. Sally is sadden to think of the early death, she knows Jack's alcoholism will lead him to. Such contemplation is cut short when the form of a living creature made of tumbleweeds appears to menace her. Her screams send Ben running to the scene. He tosses his bottle of Absinthe over the creature causing it to flee. Sally faints and Ben carries her back to safety.

Later that night the gang stop and make a fire in the middle of the desert. Sally tries to convince Jack the error of his hedonistic ways, when she starts to relay information about his future, The Doctor collars her and informs her about the dangers of meddling with established history. The camp is then attacked by a number of creatures like the one that earlier attacked Sally. They explain that they are Parasati, tiny insect like creatures of great intelligence who's world was destroyed during the Time War. They bond on-mass with inanimate matter (such as the desert tumbleweeds) as war machines against larger species. They want the Earth for a new home. However, the threat is thwarted by an unexpected rain storm which destroys the Parasati's surrogate bodies, leaving them stuck tiny and harmless.

Jack bids farewell to the TARDIS team by reading them an extract from his new book (the legendary "the only ones for me are the mad ones.." closing passage of On The Road) Back in the TARDIS The Doctor is stunned to find a book by Jack Kerouac "The Desert Devils and The English Kooks" written in 1984, years after Jack's death. They realise history has altered itself. "But how and to what consequence?" our heroes ponder ominously.

NEXT TIME, The Apocalypse Chaser Triumphant!



The Apocalypse Chaser Triumphant

Ben receives a distress call from Operation Delta. (again to be introduced in one of the specials. I believe The Claws Of Time would be an ideal story to adept for TV) So The Doctor returns to earth and Operation Delta's mansion headquarters in Cambridge. Anslem tearfully relays to Ben that the Earth is undergoing a full scale alien invasion by a seemingly unstoppable fleet of warships. Ben asks what UNIT and Torchwood are doing to counter the problem, he is bemused to find no one at Operation Delta seems (or anyone in the world for that matter..) to have any idea what "UNIT" or "Torchwood" are..

Kyle is also missing. Anselm informs Ben that he is in prison after inexplicably losing it and bottling someone outside a club for "looking at him funny". Katie enters looking unusually unkempt. She begins to rant at Ben about the presence of Sally and The Doctor, "oh Ben, why are you with them and not ME! It's because I'm not pretty enough isn't it? I'm fat and mean and no one loves me.." she runs off in floods of tears.

Craig sits in the corner, lost in a world of his own despair. Ben inquires as to the whereabouts of Isobel.

"Who?" Craig replies.

Ben says, "listen to me Craig, the world is in a dire situation. As my second in command, I need you to work with me to help sort this out..".

"So what? Existence is futile. The human race is a malignant cancer. I’ve never found a purpose for my existence or a reason to smile. MY world ended a long time ago Ben..” says Craig.

Meanwhile The Doctor tries to make contact with the alien race attacking Earth to no avail. The Apocalypse Chaser (alien warlord who literally feeds on other beings suffering for sustenance and survival in the way that humans do with food and water.) appears suddenly swinging at the Doctor with his sword. Luckily a spare ray from an alien spacecraft knocks The Apocalypse Chaser off balance for a second. He kidnaps Sally and teleports out of there.

When The Doctor describes the creature that attacked him, Ben recounts the events of The Claws Of Time which sparks memories in Craig of Isobel. He is stunned that he would “forget” his love, as a life without Isobel is his worst fear. Suddenly it dawns on Ben that somehow time has been manipulated so as all of the members of Operation Delta’s worst fears have become reality.

An alien space fleet then beings to attack Operation Delta’s mansion. Bald aliens with red eyes and bright white skins, surround The Doctor with rage and anger.

“You destroyed our world Doctor, now this world and the human race will perish because of what YOU did!”

Meanwhile Sally awakens chained up in a grimy prison cell. she finds the cell is inhabited by a demonic old man who proceeds to viciously torture her. The Apocalypse Chaser passes into a state of bliss from watching her suffering. He turns to camera and says, “as fun as this is, I must gain revenge on that blasted Ben Chatham and his friends, they killed me once and now I will feed on their dying world. A death brought about by their own nightmares!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAH!”

TO BE CONTINUED! As part of a 3 part epic!


The Dawn Of The Mara

Sally's torment halts and she finds herself inside the realm of The Mara (ala Tegan in Kinda). A tearful Sally is informed that if she does not give up her body for The Mara's purposes she will be trapped forever with the old man in her cell. The old man is Sally's abusive grandfather who physically and psychologically put her though hell in her childhood, until at the age of 12 she accidentally killed him in self defense. A defiant yet terrified Sally refuses. The Mara tells her it shouldn't matter anyway as he has used his "child" The Apocalypse Chaser (one of a race of beings he created from the dark places of living creatures across the galaxies minds) harnessing the deepest darkest fears and anxieties of the Operation Delta team members in order to alter reality itself.

Back at Operation Delta's mansion, The Doctor is still surrounded by the hostile alien beings. Ben bravely enters the room and begins to speak, "listen to me! I have reason to believe that these things are nothing but an illusion. Deny them Doctor!"

The Doctor follows Ben's advice and the hostile beings fade to nothing.

Ben and The Doctor than gather the rest of Operation Delta around (including Kyle who has mysteriously appeared) and urge them to intensely meditate on the thing that gives them the most comfort from their greatest fear. Craig mediates on the unending depths of his love for Isobel, Kyle on the redemptive qualities of friendship and service to Ben, Katie on the self confidence and independence in which she takes great pride. The world returns to it's usually state! Our heroes joy is dampened somehow by a forlorn Craig who points out Isobel is still nowhere to be seen.

Sally returns out of nowhere to the mansion, where she is hugged joyfully by The Doctor who feared The Apocalypse Chaser might have killed her. However his joy turns to fear when he notices something he has seen before.. the Mara's serpentine mark on Sally's arm! Her eyes flash read with demonic possession. She takes out a small dagger and tries to stab The Doctor, but is subdued by Ben and Kyle. The Doctor urges Sally to fight the Mara's influence by clearing her mind of fear. Successfully she banishes the demonic being but then instantly disappears into nothing..

Meanwhile on the streets of the world's major cities a new marauding alien army attacks. However, now this is anything but an illusion. Thousand of creatures of The Apocalypse Chasers' race; large monstrous green, lightly haired creatures in samurai style attire brandishing gigantic swords, charge though the streets dashing helpless passers-by to pieces..

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!

NEXT TIME, The final part of this epic saga. THE VALLY OF NIGHTMARES!


The Vally Of Nightmares

Sally finds herself locked in a living physical manifestations of the dark side of her own subconscious. A giant dark shadowy replica of her childhood room, covered in baby dolls with blood dripping from their eyes. Sally bravely forces her way out of the room outside into a dark and shadowy wilderness, the landscape is full of dead trees, branches scatted with severed human limbs. She runs though the foggy night, only to be stunned to see a Weeping Angel blocking her path..

Meanwhile UNIT troops are out fighting pitched battles with The Apocalypse Chasers army and suffering heavy losses. The Doctor madly scrambles for some course of action to stop them. He begins to hatch a plan when Kyle punches him in the face sending him sprawling to the floor. The Mara has passed to Kyle!

Sally is terrified to see the Weeping Angel again and stands very still (without blinking) but she just can't stop her eyes from falling shut.. the creature lungs at her and she is transported back to the realm of the Mara. "I'm giving you one more chance," he cackles, "give yourself over to me and do not resist again or you will be trapped in the dark recesses of your mind.. The Vally Of Nightmares FOREVER."

Sally's grandfather who's eyes are demon red, comes and stands by The Mara, "coming to get you little, girl this time I'll get you forever! mwahahahahahaha"

Kyle under the influence of the Mara headbutts Craig and renders Katie unconscious. Ben squares up to him and the two have an epic battle. Ben' martial arts vs Kyle's street fight style. Eventually Ben renders Kyle immobile. He holds his friend down and theartens to snap his neck, leaving the Mara without a host if he doesn't leave Kyle's body. "I'll do it! I would never harm Kyle, but I will not allow something as wicked as you to have a physical presence in my world!"
The Mara flies Kyle's body and takes on it's snake form. The Doctor regains consciousness and tells Ben to get as many mirrors as possible. Luckily Ben keeps a lot of mirrors around. They place them around the Mara causing him to disappear into the ether. Our heroes are shocked when Sally appears, theoretically free from the Mara but still laying on the floor shivering in a coma of her own subconscious fear.

Ben slaps Sally around the face and tells her to "put yourself together woman!"

Deep inside The Vally Of Nightmares she can somehow hear Ben's words ringing in her ears. She clings to them and they give her strength. She turns to the image of her grandfather and says with steely resolve, "coming to get a little girl is your first and last mistake. I'm no little girl anymore and I'm not afraid of you! Get behind me!" she yells and with those words her grandfather screams in agony and flees. Sally awakens in Ben's concerned arms. Suddenly almost involuntarily the two kiss, then break away in a jerk of confusion and guilt.

Later The Doctor and the Operation Delta team travel to the main sight of Apocalypse Chaser aggression (London) to see if a way can be found to combat them. All looks hopeless when in a blaze of burning angelic light Isobel appears!

"I am The White Swan, Craig's mediation on his love for Isobel awakened the third being inside this Etheri shell. I am goodness, love and light personified and I will not tolerate this.."

With a wave of her hand The White Swan sends all The Apocalypse Chasers far away from Earth. The White Swan that transforms back into Isobel and falls into the arms of an adoring Craig.

Later on, our heroes give a toast to Ben and Isobel for saving the world.

NEXT TIME, The Attack Of The Demon Yobs!



The Attack Of The Demon Yobs

Ben asks The Doctor to take him to an exciting archaeological dig in Kent. Kyle, traumatized by his experiences with the Mara comes along for a holiday to take his mind off things (and to help with the menial work). The TARDIS materializes in a quaint and charming nearby rural village. Our heroes instantly make friends with a group of elderly locals, who offer them warm hospitality. However when night falls the TARDIS crew's new friends hurriedly rush inside and become frightened. When The Doctor asks what's wrong, they explain that since a new spurt of council housing sprung up in the village, groups of thuggish youths have taken to terrorizing the residents of the village.

One feisty pensioner by the name of Arthur wants to go outside and tell the yobs what for, "I wasn't afraid of the Hun and I ain't afraid of some young ruffians, let me at'um!". Later over a cup of cocoa and a burning log fire Arthur tells the tale of the legend of a demon who lives in the nearby forest..

The next morning when Sally is picking up a pint of milk, she sees a group of youths hanging around the corner shop behaving oddly. She covertly follows them to a cave in a forest clearing where she is stunned to see them stood zombie-like to attention listing to a speech from a large Demon-like creature. The Demon begins a diabolical monologue, "for years my race has studied this planet section by section. The time has come to take some new specimens that sum up the average inhabitants of this place they call.. Britain"

Sally trips over a branch and is discovered and captured by the yobs.

Later that day at the site of the archaeological dig, using the sonic screwdriver our heroes locate and retrieve a buried capsule in which they find and awaken a World War Two fighter pilot called Clifford Chambers, and a medieval Knight of the realm called Sir Cornwallis. After some initial confusion they explain to The Doctor and Ben, that they were captured by a demon and frozen in time.. the conversation is broken when Ben finds one of Sally's shoes on the ground and they realize how long their friend has been absent.

Our heroes (along with Chambers and Cornwallis) track back to the Demons cave where the yobs have prepared Sally to be sacrificed. Cornwallis rises his swords and and helps our heroes rescue the lady in distress. Our heroes make a quick get away back to the village. Unfortunately the enraged yobs return to the village and begin to go on a rampage, their faces have by now turned a chilling demon red. A number of local residents unfortunate enough to be outdoors are ripped limp from limp.

The Doctor recognizes that the "demon" from Chambers and Cornwallis' description is an alien called a Diabolico and that they and those they possess are vulnerable to the chemical compound of, of all things, champagne!

Kyle is concerned and says to Ben and The Doctor, "listen up, that won't kill them will it, like? I know those lads are totally out of order, but I use to be like that before I met Ben and I reckon given the right education and attention these lads can change too, like."

"Shh this is a matter of life and death Kyle, now is not the time for bleeding hearts.." replies Ben.
However before the debate can conclude a Demon Yob's fist breaks though the window, it becomes clear a large number surround the building, there's no escape for our heroes!

Clifford Chambers and Sir Cornwallis spurred on by Arthur, deliver a stirring motivational speech to the ordinary people of the village about the heroic deeds done in the name of England in the past and explain how yobs are as much a threat to the kingdom as the Nazis once were. This rallies the locals to find supplies of champagne, and load it into fire extinguishers to fight a brave battle against the Demon Yobs. Eventually destroying them, rescuing the TARDIS crew in the process.

Later on Chambers and Cornwallis (who decide to stay and live with the villagers) lead a stirring rendition of God Save The Queen, causing a tear to drip down Ben's face as he reflects on the depth of his love for his country and it's values.


Divided

In would be fair to say that the independent scientist and former counter-culturalist specialising in alien tech “Shakey” Jake Mcguinn had faced some bizarre experiences in his time. Yet how he ended up laid out on his arse on bright orange foliage, a spec in a perplexing foreign landscape of rolling orange hills adorned by rings of purple serpentine mist simply took the biscuit, in fact it positively half inched the whole barrel. Even in this state of shock something in his mind almost automatically groped for a self abasing quip relating to his past history of chemical recreation.
"Well no one’s around to hear me clown around for once” sighed Jake to himself, right as the sight of Craig Chatham the teenage kid from Operation Delta unconscious on the ground, became apparent in the corner of his shock glazed eye.

Jake had been surprised and concerned that such a young lad was being involved in such dangerous work when he brought the alien artifact to Operation Delta headquarters to get it checked over. The artifact, a silvery helmet and glove that resembled in Earth terms some sort of virtual reality headset, Jake suspected was at the root of all this. The last memory Jake had intact was of Ben Chatham the head of Operation Delta going against his advice and insisting on putting on the helmet and glove and testing it out himself, the hands-on way. There was a flash and then.. goodness knows. Jake was resigned to finding out but in the meantime his priority was checking on the Chatham kid’s well being,

For a lady that prided herself on independence and being in control, Katie Ryan could not quite believe some of the messes she let Ben Chatham drag her into. Her friendship and loyalty to that infuriating, impossible man had lead to such a high frequency of weird experiences that when she suddenly found herself in a forest of what appeared to be giant willow trees that instead of sprouting out from a root in the ground seem to hover gracefully in the air, she took it quite in her long suffering stride.

“Oh god, that dippy Isobel girl” frowned Katie as she set her eyes on her colleague, who was joyfully pirouetting as the pink leaves that fell from the floating trees covered her.

“Isobel! Cease the twee inanity please. It’s frightfully trite. Unless you have failed to notice, we are not in bloody Kansas anymore and I for one I’m concerned.”

Katie’s harsh words and scathing tone simply bounced off Isobel’s sunny demeanor, not shaking or displacing it one iota.

“Oh Katie, how could being in any place this beautiful be bad? Let’s just enjoy it here for a while,” she said with a bright, beaming smile.

Before Katie could reply the sounds of panting and heavy feet patting on the undergrowth in their direct vicinity panicked her. “RUN!”

Before the two girls could get away a St Bernard’s dog the size of an elephant bounded towards them. In shock Katie slipped to the ground, letting out a howl of pain, it was apparent right away something had sprained as she fell.

The huge creature hovered heavy over the prone Katie Ryan, but much to her shock it appeared to bare no harmful intent, playfully and affectionately nuzzling and licking her.

“I think he likes you!” smiled Isobel wryly.

:”GET IT OFF ME!”

Isobel stroked the animal’s fur and noticed something more curious still. The giant creature appeared to have an equally giant name tag upon which “Poppy” was itched. Isobel then concerned herself with attempting to tend to Katie’s injuries when a thought struck her.

“Hey Katie, I remember Ben telling me about the dog he loved when he was a little boy. It was so sweet. A side to Ben I totally didn’t know existed..”

“Is this actually going anywhere except a one way ticket to the perpetual Hallmark card that is your psyche, Isobel?” Katie interrupted thought gritted teeth.

“Erm well.. Ben’s dog was called Poppy..”

TO BE CONTINUED.


(N/B: The following was written after LBC revealed that the entire thing was a joke after the weight of pretending to be so seriously mentally diseased as to write the above overwhelmed him utterly, and his critics felt a little embarassed in the face of it all..)


Since I'm obviously not going to finish this now..

I thought I'd let you exclusively into how the dark side of my psyche planned to "save" Doctor Who.

Basically eventually "our heroes" were going to come across The Gary Oldman Master and Jenny (who were responsible for the changes to time in my story "arch") cavorting across space and time ****ing with things and getting up to all sorts of not particularly subtly implied kinky debauchery. The Doctor's obviously all "what the **** Jenny?" and she would be bemused as to his disapproval as because, as far as she sees he was the one who told her to go back in time and collect The Master's ring at the end of LOTT. It would then become apparent that dadadauumm... the real big bad whom had been mainpulating The Master and Jenny's actions was actually The Doctor clone in Rose's world..

Basically Clone Doctor would be facing death cos of the whole meta-crisis whatsit, and manipulating Rose to return, so they could nick The Doctor's TARDIS so she could look into the heart and go all Bad Wolf. Granting baddie Doctor Jack style immortality. When Rose actually looks into the TARDIS, we'd get another shameless Dark Phoenix rip off, as she loses control of the "Bad Wolf" powers and starts destroying the world. The White Swan would then have an epic cosmic battle with "The Bad Wolf", while Jenny redeems herself, ditches The Master and builds up a rather *erm* "close friendship" with Sally.

The series would end with Ben demanding The Doctor kill Rose for the greater good. Leading to a tearjerking scene where The Doctor holds a gun to Rose's head while Ben encourages him to pull the trigger. Eventually he does blow her brains out and the series ends with the lovely visual of The Doctor sobbing at Rose's bloody corpse with one of Craig Chatham's poems as narration... and then a toast to Ben for saving the world obvz.

LBC #6: Marvel Comics Crossover (unfinished)

(NOTE: The announcement of a crossover with the heroes of Marvel Comics caused some excitement, along with much pre-emptive hostility among Doctor Who fans who had an interest in such things. As for myself, I was only reading to see when The Phantom and Batzarro would show up and was greatly irritated by their senseless omission from the story. This story was never finished due to an unspecified 'personal crisis'.)

Doctor Who vs Marvel Comics. The ULTIMATE crossover event!
==========================================================
Well it's time for the the big one true believers! My pitch for a crossover between the Doctor Who and Marvel universes that I would love to see adapted into an official Marvel Comic book one day. Brace yourselves for a once in a life time experience...

Stan Lee Presents.. Doctor Who Vs Marvel Comics


Latveria (Earth 616)

The mind of Doctor Victor Von Doom trembles with the ripples of ambition and conquest. In front of him stands a technological killing machine equal to one of his own Doombots. But this is more than a robot, this is an organic sentient being with an intelligence and cunning rivaling his own. Even better than that, this killing machine wants something only he can deliver..
“YOU WILL USE THE ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY OF THIS WORLD TO REBUILD THE DALEK RACE!”
“Yes yes, all in good time Dalek Caan,” says Doctor Doom sipping on a gold goblet of wine.
“NOW NOW NOW YOU WILL OBEY!”
“Doom obeys no one!”
“YOU WILL OBEY, DALEKS ARE SUPERIOR!”
“So superior you are the last vestige of your race? Pathetic. But Doom is merciful and I believe from my tests that I have the cloning and mechanics necessary to re-create your race. You can rule your pathetic backwards parallel universe. On the condition of course that you can help me wipe out the wretched so called heroes of this world..”


Cambridge (Regular Earth)

Ben Chatham is a picture of sophistication and pure class, as he sips an absinthe, sat with his close friends Kyle Scott and Katie Ryan in an exclusive wine bar.
Kyle breaks the tranquil air and begins to speak, “eh, don’t you reckon after what ‘appened in Cardiff with that Watcher bloke and that, we should get looking for The Doctor?”
“All in good time Kyle, but I think we need some time to relax and savior the finer things in life,” says Ben pointing towards his absinthe glass.
Our heroes become aware of a commotion going on outside the wine bar. They are startled to see a silver man on what appears to be a flying surfboard hurtling towards the wine bar. Katie screams.
The surfer stops outside the wine bar and begins to speak in an earnest tone, “fear not! I am Norrin Radd, in my universe they call me the Silver Surfer.”
“Imaginative choice of nickname there..” snorts Katie disdainfully.
A familiar hand taps Ben on the shoulder, “ah don’t worry about him Ben Ben Benny boy! Norrin is an old mate of mine,” It’s The Doctor!
“Lonely wanderer of the cosmos, who brings peace to worlds with his godlike power.. A wee bit like me really but.. well..” The Doctor pauses and points at The Surfer’s nude frame; “I must take him shopping sometime..”
“With all respect Doctor, we do not have the time for this frivolity, both our universes are at stake,” says The Surfer.
“Yeah, not exactly a barrel of laughs and banter our Norrin. I’m working on that one as well..”
“I will go though the dimensional rip to my universe, maybe the other Earth’s mightiest heroes The Avengers can help us..”

“Come on Ben, I’ll need you guys…” says The Doctor
Ben sighs long sufferingly at the disruption to the relaxing evening he had planned - as our heroes prepare to travel further than they ever would have imagined possible towards destiny, a battle grander in scale than the human imagination can even begin to comprehend.
.
TO BE CONTINUED!

(the next episode will feature The New Avengers and The Mighty Avengers..)
Here's the long awaited bumper sized next edition of this tale..

London (Earth 5556)

Maria Jackson had never seen Sarah Jane Smith so lost in her work before. She tapped away at her computer, looking frantically for any sort of clues that the internet could offer up. Maria wasn’t surprised to see Sarah working so hard. The world was in a state of crisis, but this time it was human politics that posed the dire threat not the usual little green men.
“I don’t understand it!” exclaimed Sarah, “the way the American are acting defies logic from any angle; threatening assaults on Russia if President Putin doesn’t comply to ridiculous demands. Even at the height of the cold war, nuclear conflict never seem like such a chilling possibility.”
Clyde Langer entered the room with a relaxed frivolity that jarred horribly with the situation at hand, “you oughta chill SJ.”
“Not now Clyde,” replied Sarah Jane in a tone clipped with mild annoyance.
“I said.. you should CHILL!” shouted Clyde with a starling firmness. He rendered Maria unconscious with a neck chop before taking a stunned Sarah Jane by the throat.
“Cylde?! What the hell?”
“He loves you,” the young teen sinisterly intoned before shaping shifting horrifically into the form of a Skrull!

Stark Towers, New York (Earth 616)

As if our heroes were not dazed enough by the temporal impact of traveling between parallel worlds, the sight of brightly costumed human beings, flying unaided by technology (Mrs Marvel, Spiderwoman, The Wasp and The Sentry: members of The Avengers, taking part in a training exercise) was enough to take Kyle and Katie’s breath away. Ben however adopted a cool non-plussed attitude. A urbanely handsome (with a hint of roguishness) man in a impressive metallic iron suit, urgently greets our heroes.
“I’m Tony Stark, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. Also known as Iron Man.”
The Doctor grinned, “ha, parallel world, humans flying all over the shop, but some things never change, you government types love your acronyms. It’s so cute. Look at that suit! What year is this? The humanity I know doesn’t develop that kind of technology for hundreds of years, it’s brilliant!”
Stark smiles confidently, “you like it? Oh I think I’ve got a lot of toys around here that might interest you, but first, Norrin doesn’t get involved in Earth affairs unless something big is going on. He’s told me you are the champion of a parallel version of this universe? What special super human abilities do you have? While you are on this Earth you will have to register..”
“Oh, no special powers me.”
“Seriously?” continues a bemused Stark drawing attention to The Doctor’s skinny frame, “Champion, of a whole universe?”
“Well, I’m extremely clever, or so I’ve been told.”
“We have no shortage of clever people Doctor...”
The Doctor breaks into a manic grin, “ahhh you ain’t seen nothing yet!”

Suddenly a startling group of individuals burst into the room. A black man built like a tank, a short, hairy and stocky figure with a murderous glint in his eye, a man in a red custom with a weblike design crawls on the roof. Finally a man in elaborate robes steps forward, “Greetings fellow Doctor, I am Dr Strange, Sorcerer Supreme, with me are Luke Cage, Wolverine and Spider-man. Listen to me Tony, if Norrin is involved this is so much bigger than petty American politics. The Silver Surfer deals with threats on a cosmic scale.”
“Arrest them!” Shouts an incredulous Tony, “you are in breach of the Superhuman registration act!”
Before a battle can commence, Ben jumps between the two factions, “listen now, I’m not sure I understand what’s going on here, fill me in please Tony.”
“These men are criminals. Individuals who have superhuman abilities, and we believe that such individuals should be registered with the government, in order to regulate and have accountability for the danger - as an intelligent man, I’m sure you can imagine superhumans can pose. These men rebelled against this act and brazenly defy it.”
“How frightful!” poses Ben, “government agencies are to be trusted in matters of public safety and security like this, there’s never any excuse for breaking laws. Shame on you men!”
Wolverine snarls, :”who asked you pretty boy?”
Katie Ryan sniggers to Kyle, “what a vile creature that thing is..”
“quite,” continues Ben, “but whats vile about him is not his appearance or odor, unpleasant as they are, but his contempt for the law and established authorities.”
Wolverine is enraged, he draws his adamantium claws, and pins Ben to the wall, the blade only inches away from his face…

TO BE CONTINUED!
Stark Towers, New York (Earth 616)

Ben surprises Wolverine with a Venusian aikido throw, then with lightening quickness renders the fearsome mutant unconscious with a nerve pinch. Ben dusts himself off coolly, looking up to the admiring eyes of the assembled super heroes.
Iron Man approaches Ben, "you seem like a man after my own heart."
"Indeed, this place of yours is exquistly tasteful," replies Ben.
"Would you and your friends care for any refreshments? My butler Jarvis can do wonders.."
"No need," says Ben, pulling a small bottle of absinthe out of his coat pocket, "I'm sure a man of culture like yourself will join me to sup the nectar of the gods?"
Tony (a recovering alcoholic) is transfixed by the liquor sloshing inside Ben's bottle. It calls at him like nymphs call a sailor onto the rocks. Tony fights the desire to relapse like he would an epic struggle with a super villain. Soon the strain becomes too much. He grabs his head in his hands and screams "NOOOOOOOO!" before running out of the room.
"Pft, is everyone here a total freak?" snorts Katie.
A huge and imposing man in a Trojan style helmet and a vest decorated with a skull and crossbones, snatches the absinthe bottle from Ben, "this is not the nectar of the Gods foolish mortal!"
"What would you know?" retorts a affronted Ben.
"I am a God! Ares; God Of War!", the Avenger swigs back Ben's absinthe in a coarse fashion.

Under the influence of alcohol Ares squares up to the equally imposing Luke Cage. "I've had enough of you rebel swine! The time has come for battle!"
Before Ares can land a punch, he is rendered briefly immobile by a web fired at his leg by Spiderman that trips him to the ground. This sparks an all out brawl between the two factions of Avengers. The Doctor, Ben, Katie and Kyle scurry for cover. Wolverine begins to stir, he wakes to see Ben and instantly feels a pang of embarrassment at his defeat in combat. "Ok, ya got my respect, bub"
Before Wolverine can continue his head is rocked by an urgent telepathic message coming from the Headmistress of The Xavier School for gifted youngsters, Emma Frost!
A cold prim and proper voice, almost affecting a British accent sound becomes apparent not only to Wolverine, but to The Doctor too.
"Logan! We need you to drag yourself out of whatever gutter you've passed out in and come and help us. This army of ghastly robotic creatures have attacked the institute. The X-Men and some of the students are trying to fight them but we don't seem to be having much effect.."
The Doctor buts in, "Mr Frost? I need you to tell me about these robots."
"Who on Earth is this?"
"I'm The Doctor.. I can help"
"Oh, well this things are utterly ludicrous, they look like murderous little pepperpots."
The Doctor's eyes widen is shock and disbelief, "DALEKS!"
Wolverine growls, "No time to lose, we need to get over to the institute for a bit of rough house."
"Ahh time, thats where I come in," chips in The Doctor, "I don't mean to brag but I'm kind of the LORD of time."
Wolverine along with The Doctor and his companions pile into the TARDIS...

The Sparrow and Nightingale DVD Shop, London (Earth 5556)

Sally Sparrow calls on her boyfriend Larry who is taking an unusually long time to close up the store..
"I'm coming, I'm coming!"
Sally purrs seductively, "well if it's any incentive for you to get a move on, I'll be upstairs waiting for you.."
She slips into a some slinky purple lingerie and awaits her man. It is therefore a shock to the young lady when Larry coldly enters the room paying her little attention. Instead he begins manically going though her personal papers and documents.
Sally is displeased, "hey! How dare you go though my personal stuff!"
Larry retorts not with words, but with a firm shove to the ground. He eyes his girlfriend coldly. Something about his eyes has change unrecognisably.. "he loves you," says Larry sinisterly as he shape shifts into a hideous Skrull! Sally's eyes instantly roll back as she faints dead away. Soon the still lingerie sporting young lady is carried out of the room by the gruesome alien being..

TO BE CONTINUED!!!

(N/B: But not really)